Feeling good today. I’m still tired but today it has more to do with a late night than anything else. I went to see Tom last night. He phoned and I was more than happy to drop by but I didn’t get excited in the way I had with Eric’s phone call.
I enjoyed a relaxed and comfortable evening at his flat, chatting and watching tv. It does make a big difference when I am in comfortable company. Again, I noticed last night how much more at ease I am with myself these days. It’s magic.
It’s Friday today and tomorrow I’m off to London. In the past I would be terrifically excited about this but, as it stands at the moment, I seem to have a casual approach to it. I am looking forward to it but there’s a difference. I don’t need stimuli from outside to fill a void in myself – I have all that I need, and more.
I never thought I would feel this way about NOT being excited. I’d have thought that if something wasn’t exciting then it wouldn’t be half as much fun but I think I’m learning the exact opposite. I am going to enjoy myself tomorrow. It’ll be lovely to see everyone, but there’s no need to get excited about it because no amount of excitement will make the experience any better than it’s going to be.
A further advantage of a lack of prior excitement is, there is no subsequent disappointment. This leaves only the experience itself – pure and simple. Not getting excited leaves me feeling more in control of myself. It has a serene beauty about it rather than the dangerous chaos which characterises (my) excitement.