[This entry raises three questions or points which I noted on this day during my stay with Francis. On my return I discussed them with Karaj and the answers are my notes based on those conversations. The second answer may seem somewhat harsh, but the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Especially when we assume that love is the primary intention.]
Francis seems to bring out the apologetic child in me. It is like being with a parent figure and I find myself trying to second guess what he wants. Why do I do this?
It is because of the expectations I have and the assumptions I make. It is a complete waste of time and energy. There is no need. All I need to worry about is myself. If I am content and satisfied then that is all I can do. If Francis, or anybody else, is dissatisfied or unhappy, then it is their problem. If they ask for my help then I will do what I can, but until that happens there’s nothing I can do, so why not relax and enjoy the company I keep.
Over the past 12 months I have become a much more positive person and my positive approach to life will continue to grow. But there is negativity everywhere and it can easily hook me in. After all, I used to be good at it.
As my positivity leaks out it is easily replaced by negativity. Stop this. Don’t give anything away and don’t take anything unless there is a contractual agreement. This is very important. I do not have the right to any exchange of energy unless it has been agreed upon by both parties. In normal relationships there is no contractual exchange – be careful.
It is the same as helping people when I think they need rescuing. Who am I to assume the person needs help? Only if they ask me for my assistance should I give it and even then I need to be careful; I need to be clear about what is being asked for. Just because I think I have positivity to spare, does not mean I can start giving it away. The chances are I have worked hard for my positive energy and I deserve to hang on to it.
Other people must be satisfied to be in the presence of my positivity. They have no divine right to receive it from me, nor are they allowed to take it from me. They must work equally hard for their own positive energy. There’s more than enough for everyone.
Anyway, if I give it to them they will not appreciate it and the danger of dependency and, therefore, psychological games arises, whereas if they work hard to earn their own positivity they will be much richer for it.
Do not give up my positivity and do not take on others’ negativity without prior agreement.
There are times here [in Germany] when it is necessary to remind myself that things are different now. In such familiar surroundings it is only natural that I should find myself dwelling in the feelings I experienced during the years I lived here. But things have changed, and I can do anything I want.
I made a phone call to the bank yesterday regarding my application but could not get hold of the man in question. I have doubts about the whole thing.
Doubt serves a purpose. These doubts are telling me something important. It’s as if my body is screaming at me to stop and listen to it. The problem starts when I try to rationalise the feelings. It is quite easy for me to arrive at an intelligent conclusion which satisfies me. But satisfaction (or balance) is reached when feelings, thinking and action are congruent.
But this is the danger. In this case, I naturally assumed the feelings of doubt related to my future in banking. This may not have been the case, which is why it is vitally important to be quiet and ‘listen’ to the feelings. At the time I should have worked through the doubt.
As it happens, the doubt was telling me I was going to feel dirty and abused (see the entry for 28th June 2000). Had I known that, or even had an inclining that such a thing would occur, I would have been prepared for it. Also, if I decide I’m not ready for the process, then don’t do it. Simply don’t do it. I should have called Karaj and talked to him about it.