Melancholy, Confusion & Self-Deception

The usual quality conversation with Francis was cut short by his departure for England for a few days. I have the place to myself. I feel melancholy and thoughtful. I feel good. The melancholy feels good because it is familiar. A habit. However, the next step is loneliness and that doesn’t feel good. Be careful. And, as Karaj added later, it will also not allow me to separate, be independent, alone. (See also: ‘Alone or Lonely’.)

I spoke to a couple of people at the bank about my job application. I feel ambivalent towards a return to banking at the moment. Sometimes I want to go back to it, and sometimes I think I’ll never cope in the front office.

This confusion is not necessarily due to banking. It may, for example, have something to do with my friendship with Francis or my plan to live back in Germany. It could be anything. I am reminded of the time Kuldip phoned Karaj one morning. Kuldip was confused and he rationalised his confusion using the possibility of traffic problems.

Karaj told him to be still for 30 minutes and be with his confusion. Soon after the phone call a letter came for Kuldip and he was able to recognise immediately that it had been the imminent arrival of the letter which had caused the confusion. His own rationalisation had been very feasible but was completely wide of the mark.

I thought more about what I wrote yesterday about feeling like a child in Francis’ presence. I want him to be happy and to communicate his happiness to me. Why is it so important for me that someone communicate their feelings?

Humans are more than thoughts and feelings. And besides, I do not have the right to ask people how they feel. What’s more, their answers will not necessarily be truthful ones. People very often do not know how they feel and if they do they may not want to tell me. People are chameleons. We are experts at disguising how we feel. Many of us even do a great job of deceiving ourselves.

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