I went to the bank today and talked to a few people. At first, during the initial one-to-one interview, I was quite excited and enthusiastic as we discussed the possibilities, but as time went by (I was there for two and a half hours) I felt more and more as if I didn’t want to be there and certainly didn’t want to work there.
I saw and spoke to a few familiar faces and I simply felt that my heart is not in this kind of work. After an absence of over a year, I felt all the old feelings returning. I came away feeling dirty and abused and with the familiar, mild panic.
It seemed clear to me that banking is not for me, and that I now had no clue at all how to proceed with my life. It’s almost as if over the past 12 months I have been working quietly towards a goal which is fundamentally wrong for me.
I walked home from the bank, like many days in the past, wondering what the hell I am going to do with my life. It upset me to feel those feelings again.
[When I read this entry and the entry entitled ‘A Vision’, it seems bizarre that I was even thinking about a return to banking in this way. My focus was on returning to Germany, and it looks as though I had lost sight of that vision or even that I had not taken myself seriously enough to believe it could happen. Luckily, a vision is more powerful than that.]