[I include this entry because it is an example of how, as Karaj later explained to me, from a TA point of view I was in the Adapted Child ego state the whole time. Also, this entry is referenced in a later entry (‘Adapted & Rebellious Behaviour’) which makes an interesting comparison between Adapted Child and Rebellious Child behaviour. I never saw the girl again after this evening.]
In the bookshop I got talking to Deborah and we chatted before going for a cup of tea in the town. It was a pleasant half hour which seemed to fly by. I invited her over that evening. The comfortable atmosphere of our lunchtime drink and also the handful of conversations we have had in the past continued that night and we talked about all sorts of things.
At one point I got excited about the nature of the evening – it seemed to be flowing so easily. It was smooth, relaxing and comfortable. I appreciated it very much and I noticed how the excitement had wrenched me out of the moment. I returned to the moment quickly and relaxed with the contentment of my feelings.
The previous evening, on TV, I had watched a performance by the Russian pianist Evgeny Kissin. He performed two encores for his highly appreciative audience and, as he stood accepting the applause, there seemed to be hardly any expression in his face. I was more excited than he was. It occurred to me that maybe he was feeling and enjoying it on the inside.
It impressed me greatly that here was a highly talented man who, by his own admission, loved to perform for every single member of his audience, yet seemed to display little excitement when they showed their appreciation. Tonight I had further insight into the pianist’s reaction to his standing ovations. He didn’t allow the excitement to detract from the moment; from his moment. Beautiful.
Deborah and I talked all night and well into the next day. When she left I thanked her for her company, for her honesty, for the comfortable atmosphere, for the ease of conversation, for being the person she is, and for allowing me to be the person I am. She, in turn, thanked me, thereby giving me the opportunity to accept her compliments. Whilst I did so, I also found myself, at times, talking into the silence which followed her comments instead of enjoying the moment. Deborah made me feel, or rather she made me realise, that I am a beautiful person. Thank you.