Yesterday the weather changed and it was time to leave the cottage. After breakfast we tidied up, packed our things and drove home. I had spent the last 3½ days as part of a group of kind people in a beautiful setting and now I was alone in the city. I went to bed early and slept very well.
Today I feel as though I am back in the routine. And also back to worrying. Last night I started to worry about how my life is going to turn out, particularly with a view to the work I will be doing. How will my working life turn out? There’s that word again. Why am I so preoccupied with how things will work out? The concern is still there today but after all I learned at the weekend I am trying not to think about it. The main lessons for me from the days at the cottage are:
- Be in the here and now.
- Be patient – things cannot always be entertaining.
- Slow down – thought, word, action. Everything.
- Don’t worry. Relax.
- Listen properly.
- Observe.
In my talks with Sunil the word ‘paranoia’ kept cropping up. This may be too strong a word when all I mean is worry but it’s the frequency of its appearance which bothers me rather than the severity of it. I worry too much. It’s getting better but it still persists. I can’t seem to stop it altogether.
I worry about the slightest things: whether the fire would go out while we were out walking; whether a stranger would find a table in a busy restaurant. It’s pathetic but I can’t seem to help myself. I am worried that I have done more damage to my knee because I can still feel it. Logically I know that none of it matters, but still I worry. What’s really bad is that now I am starting to worry that all my worrying is bad for me.
I spoke to Karaj about this and he said, ‘You worry because if you didn’t, you would have to face just how good you are.‘