Walked to work this morning and felt like I needed a change. I recognised this feeling as a need for excitement and realised immediately that it was not good for me. Boring is good. I mentioned Robert’s progress to Karaj and how he has so much going on, in and around his life, that he is faced with many learning points. Whereas I lead a rather dull life in which nothing much happens, and so my appraisals are rather pedestrian and Karaj’s feedback is mostly limited to ‘good’ or a simple tick. I said that I would rather have something interesting happen and some decent comments which I can get my teeth into, than a series of ticks down the page.
As Karaj rightly pointed out, however, this attitude displays an unnecessary desire to fuck things up. Things are actually going very well for me at present and I want to mess it all up on the premise that I would then have a big learning point. Very interesting. This is allied to my general pessimism and sarcasm which is something I would dearly love to change. It seems I cannot cope with things going well. I am almost pre-programmed for failure just so that I can have my pessimism confirmed. Dispense with the pessimism and there is no need for failure.