Walking His Own Path

I return home today.  At the airport I said goodbye to Andy and to Kevin.  I had given Andy a couple of opportunities to get out of coming all the way to the airport – mostly because of my uncomfortable feelings about goodbyes – but he was adamant and stayed to see me all the way through passport control.  It has been a while since someone saw me off properly and as we waved to each other until the last possible moment I glimpsed the sensitivity of my brother which is normally so well hidden.  The negativity and cynicism serves to protect him from being hurt like he was when he was a child.  It saddens me because he is such a wonderful person, yet most people only see his temper and frustration.  In his cynicism he is very funny but I cannot help thinking that a part of him is crying out to be released – to be allowed to surface and flourish.  I am tearful.

[Karaj: He made you welcome, looked after you, made you comfortable and had a relaxing time with you. What more do you want? How others see him is their problem.]

I’m between flights. I left my scarf on the first plane.  I am annoyed at myself because I allowed myself to be distracted by attractive women and walked off leaving my scarf behind.  I feel a little down about my back and about Andy.  Prague already seems so far away.  After my sleep on the plane it seems such a long time ago.

[Karaj: You need to be where you are. People hang on to the past and miss the present.]

Once again I am left questioning my life.  Every time I spend time with other people I am left wondering what the fuck am I doing with my life?  I hate feeling like this.  I also feel like an opportunity has been wasted to talk more or make more of the time with my brother.  Why do I feel like this?  I could have stayed there longer but I didn’t want to and now I do.

[Karaj: Maybe you want to rescue and then, when it fails, you become a victim.] – Drama Triangle

Finally made it home to an empty, cold house with thoughts of what may be happening in Prague.  I watch telly and speak to Karaj.  I cry because I miss my brother.  Karaj tells me that Andy is doing fine – he’s walking his own path and he is doing very well.  I agree.

[Karaj: What is the crying for? Unless you have been playing a game.]

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