I return home today. At the airport I said goodbye to Andy and to Kevin. I had given Andy a couple of opportunities to get out of coming all the way to the airport – mostly because of my uncomfortable feelings about goodbyes – but he was adamant and stayed to see me all the way through passport control. It has been a while since someone saw me off properly and as we waved to each other until the last possible moment I glimpsed the sensitivity of my brother which is normally so well hidden. The negativity and cynicism serves to protect him from being hurt like he was when he was a child. It saddens me because he is such a wonderful person, yet most people only see his temper and frustration. In his cynicism he is very funny but I cannot help thinking that a part of him is crying out to be released – to be allowed to surface and flourish. I am tearful.
[Karaj: He made you welcome, looked after you, made you comfortable and had a relaxing time with you. What more do you want? How others see him is their problem.]
I’m between flights. I left my scarf on the first plane. I am annoyed at myself because I allowed myself to be distracted by attractive women and walked off leaving my scarf behind. I feel a little down about my back and about Andy. Prague already seems so far away. After my sleep on the plane it seems such a long time ago.
[Karaj: You need to be where you are. People hang on to the past and miss the present.]
Once again I am left questioning my life. Every time I spend time with other people I am left wondering what the fuck am I doing with my life? I hate feeling like this. I also feel like an opportunity has been wasted to talk more or make more of the time with my brother. Why do I feel like this? I could have stayed there longer but I didn’t want to and now I do.
[Karaj: Maybe you want to rescue and then, when it fails, you become a victim.] – Drama Triangle
Finally made it home to an empty, cold house with thoughts of what may be happening in Prague. I watch telly and speak to Karaj. I cry because I miss my brother. Karaj tells me that Andy is doing fine – he’s walking his own path and he is doing very well. I agree.
[Karaj: What is the crying for? Unless you have been playing a game.]