Checking My Assumptions (Eventually)

No exercises this morning. I had a lie-in instead. It feels so good to be back in a semblance of my routine. I feel quite refreshed and I’m getting myself ready for the next session of the men’s group on Saturday. I also spoke to Karaj about verbalising my dilemmas and fantasies. On the 6th March 2001 I had written this in my journal:

At home, Aubrey had left a note about the football tomorrow, with a P.S. saying that he needs ‘a bit of cash for the gas bill – talk to you later’.  I started to fantasise about him wanting me out of his house and thinking that I am taking advantage because I am flying to Germany and so on…  I reminded myself that everything is okay, that it is a good sign that he can ask me for the money, that it is also only fair, and that I will have to move out soon anyway because this arrangement (living rent-free in Aubrey’s house) cannot go on forever.  More than anything I tried to remind myself to relax.

On the 10th March 2001, there was this entry:

I left a note for Aubrey saying that I’m away for the weekend and I’m going to Germany next week to try and sort a few things out.  I also left him some money for the gas bill.

Yesterday, having been away for a few days, I wrote:

I was keen to get home because for the past few days I have been having fantasies about Aubrey being unhappy with me.  I returned home to find a note thanking me for the money and wishing me well.  I felt much better. 

Although my fears may have been assuaged to a degree by Aubrey’s note of thanks, I still need to speak to him. If I don’t, then my fantasies will continue and so will his. It is very important that I make contact with him. We need to connect and talk these things through. Part of me is scared of hearing what he has to say and what he is thinking, but that is all the more reason why we need to get together and talk. He may well think that I am taking advantage of him, or he may want me to leave the house soon and doesn’t know how to tell me. By raising my own thoughts I will be doing us both a favour – creating an opportunity to talk about things which need to be discussed. If we don’t discuss them then they will fester and we will both lose out. By talking them through we will both come out winners. Even if I have to leave soon, I will at least be able to prepare myself for it and, more importantly, I will be able to do so in an environment free of pent-up frustration as a result of us airing our fantasies.

Phoned Aubrey this afternoon to air my fantasies. It turns out that’s just what they are – fantasies. He has no problem with me being in the house. He has no problem with me having Dev over to stay. He told me that, in many ways, I am the perfect tenant (much like I was with Martin and his family in Germany). He has no problem with me going to Germany; he is pleased for me that I am getting away for a few days and that I have the chance to sort a few things out about the business and a job. He told me he is happy to have me in the house because otherwise he would have to look after it himself and with me in there the place gets lived in and looked after and I keep it clean and tidy. We chatted further and he thanked me for phoning him. Thank you, Aubrey.

This is all the proof I needed that my fantasies are wholly unjustified and that I am far far better off verbalising them. Karaj stressed that I must keep on top of this if I am to continue to make progress.

Related post: Relax & Lighten Up | How Easily The Mind Goes To Work

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