Vulnerable When Tired (or Excited)

06.00 E&M 90 mins. I felt stiff from yesterday’s work in the garden and thought I might struggle with the exercises but they went very well. Talked to Karaj about my mood graph. He said that eventually I will be able to see a pattern in my moods which will allow me to predict the times when I will feel low. [An example of this can be found in Self-Doubt & Emergency Procedures.] When this happens I will know what I need to do, what sort of people and what kind of situations I need to avoid, and I can withdraw safely and quietly without anyone knowing that I am down.

This evening I went dancing. I didn’t really feel in the mood, I felt tired, my body ached; I have been getting muscle cramps in my left leg (hamstring & calf) for weeks and now it feels as if my hamstring is permanently bruised. As it turned out I danced too little and talked too much. It was nothing too severe but it wasn’t as much fun as Saturday. An interesting comparison occurs to me: on Saturday I felt good and I was determined to protect myself. It worked; I didn’t really talk too much, I danced well and I enjoyed myself.

Tonight, I felt tired, exposed, somewhat unprotected and as a result I found myself being able to do little to stop myself talking. So, when I’m tired I am very vulnerable. This may seem obvious (go for the obvious!) but it is important for me to realise the consequences of this. It was almost as if I was powerless to stop myself engaging tonight. My guard was down and I ended up giving too much of myself away. This is a significant learning point. When I feel like this again I need to be extra careful about what I do and with whom I spend my time. If possible I should just stay away.

Another observation: tonight I felt tired and on Thursday at dancing I felt excited. Both resulted in me letting down my defences and overindulging. So, anything other than a balanced state and I am risking causing myself problems.

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