06.30 E&M 60 mins. I found it difficult to get up this morning and I felt demotivated during the exercises. I wonder how it is possible to achieve consistency in my life such that even the minor fluctuations are ironed out.
[Karaj: This is how life is. Flow with it. You cannot iron out anything. That is a fantasy.]
How can I behave consistently even when I feel tired or annoyed, or both? Talked to Karaj about this. He told me that I need do nothing, because as things take their course I will achieve consistency. It is enough that I am aware of my inconsistency. That is all I need. The rest will happen in good time. Relax. Karaj added that if I am tired or I want to talk, then I should seek the company of men.
[Karaj: When you are down, you are down. When you are up, you are up. Why resist and demotivate yourself?]
We also spoke about my brother’s phone call last night. The fact that he did all the talking is a sign of excellent progress on my part. It means that I am becoming important enough as a person that people feel they can talk to me. Karaj says that those who know the truth don’t need to talk; there is no need. The progress I am making means that not only will people start to talk to me, they will bring their problems to me, and they will ask me to facilitate in the resolution of their problems. Good. That is the direction I want to go.
Men’s group. All were present apart from Ishwar. We started with Leon’s issue about his new girlfriend’s long-standing friend of 20 years. Leon seemed threatened, desperate and vulnerable by this man’s presence in her life. He didn’t know what to do and sought the advice of the group. All he has to do is to relax and have fun, and not be sucked into any of her games. Also, don’t be fooled into thinking that she is being honest and caring by sharing this information – she is testing him and setting him up in a game so that he can fail [Leon’s script]. He will either assume the role of victim or persecutor [see the Drama Triangle]. Whichever one it is, he’s fucked. By his reaction to the situation so far he is already failing. Relax, enjoy yourself. He brought up a work issue which brought the same advice: if it does not concern you stay out of it and relax. Don’t take things so seriously, and don’t complicate matters – keep life simple. Have fun.
This brought Kuldip in, because he is forever trying to impress upon people what a decent man he is. As Karaj says, if you are decent then you don’t have to prove it to anyone, and if you are looking for others to label you as decent it is only because you don’t actually consider yourself to be so.
I read extracts from my personal code of practice. Robert told me they were beautiful. Karaj told him that is all well and good, but he should look to his own appraisals, his own life, and discover his own code of practice.
At the end we each took our turn to review our position. I am doing well and I feel good. I am experiencing fluctuations within my routine but they are tiny compared to the larger ones I have had in the past. When I step back from the finer detail and view the larger picture I can see that my progress is going very well at the moment and my life has a stability about it which seems more enduring than ever before. My exercises are going very well and my proposed break from dancing should allow me more time and much more energy to consolidate my discipline. After the group I felt much calmer than I usually do. I tend to get a little excited as a result of the quality of the sessions, but this time I felt in control of myself. This was also true throughout the group too. I felt in control, more mature, and less childish, all of which added more weight to my contribution.
The group finished at 1.30am.