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Seeing for Myself: Calmness, Anxiety & Quiet

6.00 E&M 90 mins. Slow, deliberate, focused exercise. I hadn’t intended to do too much of a routine because of my back. However, after 30 seconds I got up and the exercises turned out to be enjoyable and beneficial.

Drove to the house with Dev and Sunil and as soon as we arrived we worked in complete silence for 45 minutes. For me it was very peaceful and productive. I talked with Karaj afterwards. I am feeling very calm and happy. My calmness astounds me at times (but I remain calm!) and I find it beautiful. That calmness defined my reaction to the men’s comments when I raised the issue of Arun.

Much of what was said surprised me – the attraction to her, the gravity of the issue – but instead of blocking or challenging their feedback I accepted it. I did this because, as was pointed out in the appraisal, I do accept feedback much better these days; but it was also because I respect the men and what they have to say. They are all good men with my best interests at heart. They are trying to do the right thing and if they say that I am attracted to Arun then there must be something there. Karaj told me I will be attracted to aware people like Samantha and Arun, but I need to stay well away from that sort of thing. Be polite and friendly, but be conscious of it and stay away.

We were late leaving for my appointment. Dev and Sunil gave me a lift there on their way back to London. I tried to keep on top of any anxiety which surfaced about being late and, as Sunil was hurrying to get his documents finished, I had the presence of mind to tell him to slow down. I know from my experience and from being around Karaj that we must always slow down when coming to the end of any task or procedure because otherwise things are likely to go wrong. Sunil was grateful for that comment and as soon as he’d finished we set off.

During our journey I felt little flickers of an obsequious need to please Dev to make up for putting him out with my lift, but they were nothing I couldn’t handle and they were certainly a lot less intense than I have experienced in the past. Anyway, as Karaj said to me, these people are receiving a great deal from me so it is not unfair to ask for something in return.

I visited dad. We spent the afternoon sitting in the sun, and dad talked about how his life has been since his mum died. I said very little and noticed, once again, just how much of a contribution I can actually make to someone’s life by saying nothing; by being quiet. I found it both reassuring and encouraging. In the past I have felt obliged to comment but now I know that there is absolutely no need. Dad produced a copy of Gran’s final letter, written six months before her death. I felt that here was a woman who, to the very end, was in control of her life. It would seem that she knew she was dying and chose to do so when she was ready. I felt that I was more comfortable with this than my dad. We also looked at some old photographs of my Gran and of her parents. I was captivated by the black and white images of a young woman; and also of the pictures of her family – people I never met and about whom I knew nothing. It was intriguing to look at the faces of complete strangers and think that I am a part of who they were. It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

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