The Pervasive Nature of Script

6.10 E&M 65 mins. My back is still painful. There is the stiffness across my lower back, and the tightness and nerve pain around my right hip, all of which are more painful and more acute than usual. At times I am concerned that things may become much more painful, like they were two years ago, and at other times I feel reassured and inspired that this could be the final throes of a particularly painful aspect of my script.

During this morning’s talk, Karaj pointed out that because I am being straight with women – as opposed to the manipulative charmer who needs mothering – all hell will break loose, and it is only the procedures and the discipline which will save me. I am a ‘feel first’ person and it is my feelings which cause me harm. Be careful in future. Be very aware of my feelings and their consequences. Feelings are dangerous. Discipline and hard work are salvation and protection. Regardless of the pain I feel in my back I will continue to exercise.

Karaj came round and as we chatted we had more realisations about my back. At the weekend I realised how much of a wimp my dad can be. That sounds hard, and that is the essence of the issue. By saying this about my father, I am being disloyal to him, and this disloyalty shows itself as back pain. I am moving away, separating from dad and my back is reacting as my script tries its damnedest to pull me back.

So, my present back pain is not simply attributable to one thing – it is caused by a combination of things. Up until now, my mum has been the focus of my efforts to free myself of my pain, but now the pain is being brought on by the death of one Gran, the worry instilled by another, my relationship with Arun, and my separation from my dad. Who knows, there may well be more so, RELAX.

Do you like what you read?

You may also like these:

Adjusting to My Own Company

I had another good weekend. I spent it back home with some old friends. Today I spent the day on...

Pinpointing My Irritation

I woke up tired, stiff and in pain. My back and legs ache. Karaj talked to me about my irritation....

Relax, Allow, Trust

Continuing the theme of trust from the previous post, this one is the result of a conversation with the same...

A Critical Point Is Reached

A torrent of thoughts appeared in response to the challenges described in the previous two posts. They led me to...

Absolutely Brilliant

What follows is a summary of the final flurry of phone calls I had with Karaj over the course of...