6.45 Exercises only. 20 mins. Woke up feeling much the same as yesterday. I attempted a few exercises which were okay, but the meditation was impossible because I simply cannot sit properly; my back is too painful and inflexible. I can barely get down to tie my laces. My movement is severely restricted, I have very limited flexibility due to the tightness of all the muscles around my lower back and I tend to lean over to the right to compensate for the extreme tightness on the right side. Any movement is painful and it feels that my pelvis is broken and everything else is very heavily bruised. In addition, it takes literally minutes for me to relax any of the affected muscles in any way. If I try to relax them too quickly the pain is unbearable.
Despite all this, I still managed to walk to the house which is a blessing. When I compare the pain to two years ago I would say that I am roughly two months further on from the onset. That means, as things stand at the moment, I have missed out on the first two months of the chronic pain I experienced in 1999 (and also in 1998), which is another blessing. I talked to Karaj about it. Most of my problem comes down to the issue of personalisation. He has given the responsibility for the accounts to me and I am not coping because I have made the issues my own. I am taking them personally and my back cannot stand the weight of the burden.
Karaj went on to say that my focus should be on my ability to do the job, which is undisputed. I am doing an excellent job and that’s all there is to it. There’s no need to carry the load of Karaj’s accounts. Simply accept the challenge of sorting them out – Karaj wouldn’t have given me the responsibility if I were not capable – and don’t get personally involved. It’s not my problem.
I realise now that I personalise nearly everything. My ‘Please Others’ driver is strongly connected to it. If people are unhappy or dissatisfied, then I make their problems my own and feel responsible. STOP IT.
When Karaj told me I am doing an excellent job I felt tearful. I felt my pain and the relief that it was not without a cause – there is something there I can work on. Karaj made me understand that there is no use trying to sort the pain out. What I need to do is get to the bottom of the issue. The pain will return again and again but every time it does, it means that I am making progress. We do not know how deep it runs so we do not know how much work has to be done but I am getting there.