Can’t Take Any More

Had a lie in but still felt very tired. I spoke to Sunil and Robert about how I felt and about my behaviour yesterday. Sunil had not noticed my cockiness, but Robert had noticed my aggression in the morning before we had even left the house. I simply cannot take any more. I recognised my cocky attitude from yesterday but saw that it wasn’t a result of me feeling good about myself. I simply didn’t care. I don’t care. I can’t care. I am so close to being overloaded that nothing else matters.

We took a walk to the park and I explained my mood to Dev. I stressed that when I say that I cannot take any more, that’s exactly what I mean. I don’t want to leave the group or cease my work with Karaj, because I recognise that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Things are not that complicated or serious. It’s just that I cannot take on any more responsibility, problems, information, or therapy. I simply need time and space to digest what I have taken on over the last few days, weeks and months.

The walk in the park was great. Robert was in his element, the weather was delightful, and my mood lightened temporarily. Eventually we made our way to Karaj’s. The others went on their way and I lay down and slept. I cannot believe how tired I am feeling. When Karaj appeared we talked things through. He said that we both need to quieten down. There have been too many distractions around us recently, too many people coming to the house. We both need to be careful.

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