Scripted Pain

07.00 E&M 30 mins. Painful exercises but I feel better for them. At the house all I could do was lie down and rest, despite the good sleep I had last night. Somewhat reluctantly I joined Karaj in the garden with the digging. 65 buckets (727) We worked for around two hours and not once did I feel motivated or enthusiastic. I was tired, my body ached and my back was draining any energy I had left; and we still had a meeting scheduled for 8 o’clock.

[Karaj: When the pain is killing you, work some more. Then, when you are about to die, decide to do 100 more buckets. That is the way to control the mind.]

Sunil arrived and told me I seemed down. I reacted that I wasn’t down – just tired and in pain. He told me to take the feedback he offered and I curtly told him to take mine. I was clearly becoming more and more uptight. During the meeting I struggled to remain focused and struggled to find a comfortable position. On the way home Karaj and I discussed my back problem. We hypothesised about why I should want to sabotage all my good work and what element of my script it is which is controlling this sabotage.

Karaj raised a comment which Francis had made during his visit. He had said, after an afternoon’s digging, that it was nice to see me work for once. Karaj confronted me that I never work hard (mentally) and that I always take the easy way out. I felt challenged but on reflection I saw that, when I want something, I work hard for it – learning German, my self-development work with Karaj – but most of the time I lack interest in the world around me and so I do end up taking the easy way out.

At home I went to bed and struggled to get to sleep as I tried to come to terms with the physical pain and the mental anguish the present situation was causing me. As I lay there, cursing the pain for keeping me awake I was struck by the fact that this is just what dad complains about.

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