I reflected on the last few days – life has been full recently, with little time to think. I thought about my subservience, and how, like Kuldip, I wait for instructions and information instead of thinking for myself. When presented with a situation, I am not engaged and curious enough to work things out for myself. I would rather wait for someone to fill in the missing information, deferring to them for whatever reason. What I don’t realise is that I have all the answers and that if I approach a problem knowing that I already have the solution then I will be encouraged to have faith in myself and engage.
I also thought about the difference in the way Karaj and I handle Kuldip. I am always emotionally involved where Kuldip is concerned. His ineptitude frustrates me, his looks unnerve and annoy me, and his tentative approach to everything can infuriate me. These are all emotional hooks which drag me in before I have time to think, whereas Karaj seems to display the appropriate emotional response but can detach himself from those emotions as and when he needs to. He can be damning one minute and genuinely friendly the next.
I am reminded of babies who suddenly stop crying – their tears are replaced in an instant by a smile. Everything that went before was necessary but is now forgotten. My emotions, on the other hand, drag and blur into each other. There is no clean break. All it needs from me is a second or two of distance from my reaction, to observe what is happening to me. This will allow me more control over how I react and will allow me to remain detached from my reactions.