07.25 E&M 40 mins. For the second morning in a row I was awake at five o’clock and fell asleep again at six. This morning I missed the alarm but still exercised and still made it to the house in plenty of time.
Sunil arrived and we had a short supervision session. I talked about the excitement I felt about my life when I woke up at five this morning and the associated concern about where the next ‘bang on the head’ will come from. Karaj told me we have a very long way to go yet. This reminded me of the talk I had last night with Dev. With respect to his sadness I urged him to keep in mind the scale of life – that seen over a lifetime of progress, days, weeks, even years of sadness or depression are almost inconsequential. The same goes for excitement. However well I think my life is going and however much progress I happen to be making, the road is a very long one and there is much hard work to do.
In the session Karaj told us that he is quite prepared to close everything down if people are not prepared to work with him. He used Robert as a particular example of someone who says he is committed but who has demonstrated this week once again that he is not prepared to follow instructions properly. If the operation closes down, Karaj and I will go to Hawaii.
Heed The Warnings
This afternoon I was shown that it will not necessarily be me who wrecks my progress. Working on the garden project, I was about to use the table saw with Sunil to cut a large board. I had switched it on when Kuldip bent over it, picked it up and moved it. Anything could have happened to him and I would have been blamed. We hadn’t asked him to move the saw yet he took it upon himself to lift the table with a rotating saw blade inches from his face. Idiot. It rocked me and as I write I am still not fully balanced as a result of what Kuldip did. So, be aware that anyone can enter my space and fuck it up.
The caution I urged in myself at five o’clock this morning should have been the start of an immediate state of alertness. When I asked Robert first thing this morning whether he thought he could pull his life around and change his pattern, he said that with my help and Karaj’s help he could. Both Sunil and Karaj told me that this should have been a warning to me because he is letting me know he is depending on me and when it fails he will blame me. Also, he is telling me he needs my help but has proved that he doesn’t listen to it.
Kuldip did something similar this afternoon when he waited until Sunil had gone outside before asking me to look over the goals he had brainstormed. I immediately called Sunil back inside because I was not having it. Sunil levelled the same challenge at Kuldip – it’s a no-win situation – if we say ‘no’ we are letting him down, if we say ‘yes’, he will undermine us when it all goes wrong.
The final straw, or so I thought, was the incident with the table saw. But then in the final garden supervision of the day, Kuldip said that he does not trust me. That means that in recent weeks he has told Karaj that he doesn’t like me, that I am a jammy bastard and now he says he does not trust me. As Karaj said, he is out to get me. He went on to say that he does not trust anyone in the group.
People’s Scripts At Work
So, today has been a big lesson for me – when I am doing well, people will be out to get me and I really need to be on my guard. And once again, it has come at the beginning of the year, setting the tone for the next 12 months. Whenever I am doing well – and I am set to do very well this year – people will make attempts to sabotage all that I have built for myself. This is not a game, this is very serious. I am reminded of the potential pitfall of George’s female student and the severity with which Karaj treated the potential accusation of sexual harassment. After today I understand better the level of concern Karaj showed that day.
I do not want to forget this lesson. I cannot afford to forget it. Whenever I am doing well, this day must be in the forefront of my mind. Neither can I afford to be so naïve as to believe that ‘people wouldn’t do such things would they?’ Whatever they say to my face, and however nice or flattering they are to me, I must remember that their scripts are at work all the time and who knows what those scripts will dictate or when they will be activated. Be very careful.
Karaj spoke to me tonight about his comments this morning concerning closing the group. He said that I have worked very hard – harder than he ever thought I would – and he owes it to me to make sure that all negative people are kept out of our space. Then we can broaden our horizons and go for things on a big scale. He also said that Robert says he needs our support and then blocks it. Karaj said he needs to challenge Robert seriously about his commitment. [Two weeks later, I challenged him.]
The evening was spent together in a supervision session. Kuldip was sent home beforehand, once he had apologised to Dev and Robert for calling them untrustworthy. The issue of Dev’s lapsed attitude towards himself was raised – he needs to protect himself. This has been the theme for the day and Karaj warned us that we have to be alert.