07.00 E&M 30 mins followed by 60 minutes of physiotherapy. Spoke to the physio after the session about walking long distances (3 miles) and she said that I should build up to it but that it will not damage the nerve and will do me good because it is an excellent form of exercise. I left feeling that, having established a reference time yesterday, I can walk shorter distances and take things slowly. Karaj’s warning yesterday, that I may be overdoing it considering my plan of rehabilitation, stopped me in my tracks and made me see that I was finding another way to hurry things along. Rather than push myself in my exercises, I was returning too soon to a favoured activity.
For some reason, I still feel a little low and negative about things. I feel as though I am at the edge of my positivity and it seems like hard work to be any more positive than I am. This is what Karaj talks about. I am close to a breakthrough and on the other side of this barrier is the unbounded positivity I am seeking. Keep the pressure on, don’t come back from the edge. I also cheered myself up with the reminder that with discipline and focus (on the here and now) I can bring myself back into balance.
Arrived at the house to find Kuldip on his own standing in the middle of the room staring at the wall. My greeting was a perfunctory ‘Hi’ and he said, ‘Hello, mate’. No more was said and, as I busied myself about preparing for my day’s work, he removed himself and went into the client’s room. After a talk with Karaj it seems that Kuldip has not changed. I shouldn’t be surprised but it would have been nice for him to have at least learnt something from the last few days, weeks and months.
Dad has been on to mum to find out where I am and what is going on. It is time to write a letter. The first letter I wrote took my message to the brink of saying what I want to say but did not go far enough. The second letter includes Karaj’s amendments and it can be seen that it goes that little bit further. This highlights the attitude I talked about with Dev last night. The first letter says something of what I want to say in a nice way which gives my father the option of seeing what I want him to see without me being responsible for what I am saying. It tells my father to leave me alone but also allows him back into my life to continue to play his games with me. The second letter goes all the way and states clearly what I want to say. It is a straight account of what I want in my life and a demonstration of how to say what I want to say in order that I can progress with my goal of sorting myself out. This is how I need to be all the time with all people.
Robert phoned and I challenged him on his attitude towards his ‘moaning’ boss. She is showing him how to be more professional and he is criticising her and not acknowledging the learning he is receiving from her challenges to him. I had Dev with me (in spirit) when I challenged him; it felt good not to let go. I felt empowered and effective. Karaj said that we do not want any negativity around us and if anyone is negative I should send them to Kuldip – he is our negativity consultant!
Karaj and I spent the evening finishing a particularly involved report for a client. While we worked I practised being in the here and now and at the end, when we were doing a job which could easily have gone wrong, I maintained my focus throughout. We had a glitch to start with but it did not affect our attitude. We remained positive and focused and got the job done without any further problems. It was beautiful. I noticed that when I am fully in the moment it is much more fun; I don’t worry about the time, or the world, or my life, or my future, or my pain, or my problem… And I am so much more effective too.