08.45 E&M 50 mins. I took the morning off and went to the launderette. While I was there, reading my book (Veronika Beschließt Zu Sterben – Paulo Coehlo), I realised that my naïvety is my greatest asset. It’s what carries me forward. That is why I make such progress. I talked to Karaj about it later and he said that my naïvety underpins my curiosity and together they result in me viewing my reality with a stubborn questioning as to why people seem to react differently to how I think they should react, causing me to want to know more and find out why.
I remember in my youth being utterly confused by a statement from my brother and father that the then Tory government did not want an educated populace. I simply could not fathom the apparent lack of logic in such an ideal. It’s the same with honesty and deception. My naïvety could never understand why people want to lie to each other and my curiosity wanted to know more (I understand now that everything is a lie and the truth cannot be verbalised, but that is a bigger issue than the day-to-day games of human beings.)
I Am a Writer
Whilst my clothes went round, I also saw that I will be writing the sort of book I am reading at the moment and that I will do so when I am about 50 years old. I will work, doing whatever I choose until the time is right, and then make my living writing about what I have learned and doing so in such a way that people don’t even realise what they are getting – or more precisely, they don’t feel as if they are being told what to do or how to live their lives. It will happen. Karaj later told me that writing could be the way I earn my money long before I am 50. I agree.
Sitting in the launderette reading and pondering, I felt enormous positivity and reassurance about myself and the world. I felt energised and high. Moreover, it all came from nowhere. Whilst this tells me to beware, it also gives me the impression that my energy and positivity is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on me having anything, or being anyone (other than myself), or doing anything. It came on in the launderette of all places.
At the house I relaxed. I noticed how important it is for me to distance myself from my emotions. I saw how ineffective and unreliable my actions can be when I act from or with emotions. This gives me a better handle on what it means to come from Parent Ego State.
Today has been a great day. Karaj returned at 14.30 from his meeting in London. I have a positive feeling about our work together and the year ahead. We worked all afternoon and evening until 21.00 on the executive toilet, putting the frame together and the door on. There was a lot of thought necessary for the framework as it is a meticulous job and Karaj and I, as we always do, worked well together, talking through the work and inspiring each other to solve tricky problems and make sure we did things correctly.
I read Dev’s appraisal he sent through last night. I read it before Karaj returned and then read it to him with my thoughts on what Dev had written. He is writing precisely what I have been writing for the last two years. He is having the same struggles with himself which I am having and many of his words resonated with me. With him next to me I can achieve much more than I can alone and he can see that what he has written is the way forward because I am doing it and it is working with me.
I really enjoyed working with Karaj today. I have felt very positive. Paradoxically I have also been able to see my negativity in the small doubts I cast over the work we did – setting up obstacles when Karaj establishes the clear paths he always creates in whatever he does. This is where his demand to ‘come from solutions’ comes from.
Wherever You Are Is Right
I talked to Karaj about the book I’m reading. He told me I should summarise from time to time what I am reading. This was an affirmative invitation and I am reminded of the joy and enthusiasm with which I shared the learnings from my reading with Francis when we worked together in Germany. From the book, we talked about madness and how it is only down to different levels of awareness, none of which are wrong or right. The hard part is accepting that wherever you are is right. That is the struggle.
I have come full circle today because it seems to me that the energy and positivity I have felt since this morning is there because I am seeing that where I am right now is right for me. I don’t need to be down about what I lack or what I think I need – I have all that I need. I am powerful.
Calvin phoned to invite me to his for tomorrow’s game (England v Holland). He told me of his situation at work and of his need to plan for when his colleague takes maternity leave in May. We talked about what that would mean for him and I told him to write everything down he had told me because that would form the basis of his plan. He said he would. We moved onto football and he became very pessimistic about the Blues’ season. I told him to stop being so negative. Karaj later told me I should allow people to release their pessimism and negativity.
For the record: last week I returned from Germany wondering ‘whether’, and ‘how’, and ‘why’, and today, seven days later, I am energised, positive and self-assured. Next time I feel low, look at today’s entry, remember the way I have felt, and consider the energy and the potential. Look at the evidence.