Lost In My Emotions

Woke up feeling very tired and resentful – I just wanted to be asleep. Today is the third day in a row I haven’t exercised and I am blaming everyone but myself for that. On the bus to the house I told myself the negativity is my script – I am doing very well – and that my mind is playing with me. I stood firm even when my mind tried to convince me that the way I felt was the real me. After what I learned yesterday I know the true me exists ‘separately’ from my script. I told myself simply that I will not indulge in my negativity, no matter how tired I am and that I will take tomorrow morning off.

At the house Karaj told me to take tomorrow morning off. He is also very tired.

13.00 E 20 mins. Just as the men outside (Karaj, Dev, Calvin, Robert, Sunil) were nearing the time to finish, they discovered a burst water pipe. This added an extra 45 mins to the work but when I was called in to help I assumed it would take hours to dig up and repair the pipe. I was annoyed that we were clearly not going to be finishing the day at the planned time. Why did I ever believe Karaj when he said yesterday, ‘I’m going to kick you all out at 4pm tomorrow’? That became 6pm when we talked this morning, followed swiftly by 8pm, with a final declaration of ‘definitely not midnight’. On a day when all I want to do is be quiet and alone and rest, this is not what I need.

Verbalise Verbalise Verbalise Verbalise Verbalise

When Karaj had mentioned the early finish yesterday I had thought I would enjoy a quiet night on my own. I did not verbalise this, however, so I was left alone with my frustration when the day began to stretch out. When Karaj called me to help out with the burst pipe I did not verbalise my thoughts on what the situation meant for me.

All I had to do was ask a simple question about the immediate work which needed to be done to reach a (temporary) solution. That would have facilitated a dialogue among us all, which would have given us a break from the emergency, allowed to stand back from the job and reach a considered and effective conclusion. Instead I allowed myself to be dominated by my annoyance and frustration.

What I also failed to do was to appreciate why Karaj called me in. He wanted me there so that I can bring some sense and calm to the situation. I do not see that he appreciates my qualities. Wake up.

Furthermore, this had been a chance to practice what I had taken as my main learning point from yesterday: to remain calm under stress and to pastime in an emergency. I did not recognise it as the golden opportunity it was and this is the point. Had I assessed the situation and recognised it as such an opportunity, I would have had a damn good try at remaining calm, but I didn’t. Once again I let my emotions get the better of me.

My emotions should be a big clue to me that something is not quite right. When I did verbalise the reason for my annoyance to the other men, while Karaj was outside, I felt much better. When Karaj later asked me how I felt, I told him too and he simply said, ‘That’s no problem at all – I’ll give you a lift home’. He went on to emphasise my need for verbalisation. It’s what I have to do.

Do you like what you read?

You may also like these:

Move Forward & Lead

I feel like I’m falling apart. Karaj reassured me: ‘You are doing well. All the pain is your script. We...

An Examination Of Pain

Simran arrived at 17.40, and Calvin called to say he was on his way. He has received a reply from...

The Team & The Individual

The best thing you can do for your team is to work on yourself. If everyone does that, and people...

Relax, Allow, Trust

Continuing the theme of trust from the previous post, this one is the result of a conversation with the same...

Eleven Days In La La Land

For a number of reasons I was drawn to watch the same film again and again. Five times in eleven...

Search

Menu