Responsibility to Myself

09.30 E&M 55 mins. Felt negative about my pain and my life but the exercises helped greatly. When Karaj returned from London in the afternoon we talked about my behaviour on Sunday. In not verbalising the state I was in I let myself down and made life very difficult for Karaj. Because of the relationship he and I have with each other I should be setting an example to the others of how to behave. On Sunday I did not do that. I am jeopardising all the work I have done so far.

He talked about how Priya, whilst waiting for the men to turn up (they had been almost two hours late), had used the situation to ask herself why it was happening to her. The conclusion she reached was that people have never been there for her. So, while I was getting annoyed about Karaj’s failure to meet at the agreed time she was having insights about her script. As Karaj added, when things happen to us it is important we go inside and examine the significance internally rather than look to blame external circumstances.

All this has exposed my lack of commitment to hard work and as we talked I felt a certain inevitability about the end of our relationship due to my lack of real commitment. That lasted until Karaj told me it has nothing at all to do with commitment of any sort. It is all about responsibility to myself. Once I am responsible for myself I have a responsibility to the world. So, take responsibility for my life.

He told me I have bundles of commitment but that I am committed to fucking up my life. It takes huge commitment for me to maintain my negativity in the face of progress, to continually negate my talents and my potential, and to hide from responsibility. He added that whatever I do and wherever I am I will suffer, so why not continue with the good and worthwhile work I am doing here? I agree.

Karaj also said that my problem lies with my dynamic of helping people and then resenting them for it. He told me not to help if it means that I will resent people for what I do for them. He also told me that I am not yet in a position to work with successful people – I am too lazy and too emotional.

All there is, is the moment. Be in it fully and life is simple. By daydreaming about where I would like to be I am trying to be in two places at once which is impossible and futile. Being in the moment means that I am fully present wherever I am and whatever I am doing. It means I am focused and committed and it means that my mind cannot wander into the fantasies with which I torture myself.

I have drifted along recently thinking that I am doing well. I found out today that I am not doing well enough. The commitment I put in to trying to find an easy life can be better put into fully using the life I have. The energy I expend with my mind games, ups and downs, dramas and frustrations could be better spent living in the moment, fully committed to myself.

[Note to self: When you verbalise where you are, and you do so without the emotional content – just a simple statement of fact – you are doing yourself a favour, because it helps to disarm the emotions which have a hold on you. Do it. And know that you are also doing others a favour too. But do it for yourself first.]

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