Emotional Games

Karaj told me that everything will come together for me in about five years’ time. It’s just like it was learning German, just a little tougher – this is life.

I talked to him about the way my feelings change from the evening to the next morning. When I meet up with the men for example, I often feel cold and resentful, yet within a few hours I have warmed up and I enjoy and appreciate their company. However, by the following morning I am cold again. Karaj told me that this occurs because I have no foundation. Idea: treat the morning greeting as a break in the afternoon or evening of the men’s group and greet the men on the foundation of what I know they do for me. [Karaj: You are playing emotional games.]

This happens not just with the men but with anything. I can go to bed with great ideas about what I will do the next day or how I will live my life, yet in the morning all those ideas seem rubbish. [Karaj: Emotional games.] Karaj told me to write them down because that way my body is participating with my mind and the ideas will be fixed and not transient.

When I joined the men in the garden, I was faced with the same scenario as last weekend: ‘Is there anything I can actually do here?’. However, unlike last week I did not get negative. Even though I did nothing for two minutes except stand there watching, I told myself I was contributing. It wasn’t long before Robert moved positions allowing me a way into the action. I took it and remained involved for the rest of the day. Furthermore, I communicated with the other men in a way which allowed me to take control of proceedings. I encouraged and guided the others where appropriate and it was confirmed in the evening’s supervision session that I had taken the managerial role. We worked very well as a team and shifted 295 buckets in four hours, which was a great achievement especially considering the distance and the terrain each bucket had to travel.

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