Predict, Plan, Prepare

07.25 E&M 40 mins. The subdued feeling is still there. I feel in limbo. It’s as if I want to make the most of the opportunity to feel down (old life) yet I don’t really have anything to be down about. My mind reminds me that I have none of the trappings of a secure and stable life which all my friends have (comparisons) but, at the same time, I know they are not what I am looking for. Even Francis’s latest letter which I received yesterday can be used as evidence that I am not doing as well as my friends. When I read it I had Karaj’s words in my head suggesting that I have a long way to go before I am as competent or as capable as Francis, so again, I find myself comparing. For fuck’s sake, accept who I am. I’m good.

Constantly Under The Spotlight

Reading Francis’s letter I felt envious at times because he is in a ‘real-life’ environment where he can interact in real situations. This only serves to highlight the fact that I am constantly under the spotlight of the self-reflection work I am doing. The natural conclusion to this thought is a desire to have similar opportunities to interact with the world outside of my therapeutic cocoon; another temptation to return to a semblance of my old life. At times like these it is useful and necessary to remind myself of what Karaj has said to me about my position. Rather than just visit, I live in the pressure cooker environment and it is tough.

The answer to my problem: RELAX. That is one thing I am doing that I have never done before in similar situations. I know I am in a privileged position, that I have created this position out of my truth seeking and that I am where I want to be and need to be.

Verbalisation – Once Is Not Enough

I verbalised all of this to Karaj and Sunil during a break in proceedings today. Karaj was aghast at what goes on in my head but we both agreed that I am doing very well. The three of us spent the day finishing the utility block roof. It was a messy job and an awkward one. We were irritated, but the whole day was good humoured and, along with my verbalisation, our activity lifted me right out of my subdued state.

I returned to it, however, for the evening session, by which time Dev, Priya, Robert and George had arrived. This time I failed to verbalise it. Only at the end did I raise the issue of my irritation with Robert, which had set in even before we had shaken hands. Karaj and I had left to pick up Priya from the station just as Robert and George were arriving, and from then on until I returned to the house the hurdle, which I always seem to have to overcome when meeting Robert, grew larger, taller and more insurmountable. Verbalisation would have sorted it out immediately but, of course, that’s exactly what I didn’t do.

Knowing Myself & Predicting

Karaj pointed out that Dev and I both do the same thing: although we know our profiles well enough by now, we still fail to PREDICT what will happen to us. I know that I always have an initial hurdle to overcome with Robert and that hurdle (or Robert) is always a source of initial irritation. So the next step is to predict it in advance and verbalise it as quickly as possible. Wake up Jonathan, for fuck’s sake.

Karaj made another important point when he said that if I feel irritation at any time, then I can assume it is Robert. I can check this out and if it isn’t, then I can look at other issues, people or situations on my checklist. This is all about knowing myself and predicting what will happen to me. As Robert pointed out in the subsequent break, this thing between us, whatever it is, runs deep and cannot be sorted overnight. Therefore, it is vital that I predict. Prediction leads to planning and as Karaj said, ‘If you don’t predict, you will never become aware’.

It’s Up To Me To Sort It Out

Karaj pointed to other similarities between me and Dev – we both use tactics to create games because we believe that we will not be heard. Dev uses the typically Asian technique of being vague when he actually does have something to say; and I use the typically English tactic of being overly sincere. He’s absolutely right and I hate myself for doing it. When I catch myself being too sincere I think I am so full of shit. Moreover, there is no need to resort to such pathetic methods because Karaj always hears me. I had the feeling that this could stem from the feeling of inferiority I had as a child. I was mocked (in the ‘nicest possible way’) by my family and felt as though I could not contribute intellectually when around my father or my brother – especially when they were together. Whatever the cause, it’s up to me to sort it out.

The same is true of the other aspects which Karaj highlighted tonight. He challenged me to grow up and own my contributions to him (and to the world). When he told me on Monday that I have brought stability to his life and curbed his spending I did not take full credit for it. I blocked him. This means that he (we) cannot move forward. He added that I need to give thought to my negativity for Sunday (Self Healing Group) and that there is no point in making comparisons with my peers because our paths have diverged so much that comparisons are no longer relevant (if they ever were). He told me that the work I am doing is unique.

Other insights from the evening included:

  • Verbalise – if I do not, then I end up trying to resolve my own issues in my head. This means I am using my mind to try and sort out my mind. When that happens how can I know what is the truth?
  • Don’t try to understand communication – relax and feel the communication and remember: you cannot think a feeling.

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