64 Questions

07.25 40 mins. I arrived at the house feeling somewhat emotional but as soon as I spoke to Karaj about the work to be done I began to become focused. Spent the morning and most of the afternoon in the garden, shoring up the pond, and putting the final two panels in. We celebrated with lunch together and then sat together at 17.30 to begin the Easter Review.

Karaj gave us 64 questions to answer and the process went on until beyond midnight. It would serve to highlight my profile and provide me with the tools and the opportunity to change my life (see, in particular, questions 54, 59, 61 and 64).

As the evening drew on I began to get anxious about not having raised the issue of where to live. I eventually did so and Robert simply told me that the worry I have about it serves only to push the solution further away.

Self Healing Group Appraisal (24th March – 1st April 2002)

1. Thinking back to last Sunday, what did you decide to do differently in the forthcoming week?

  • do things for myself – not please others
  • verbalise more
  • be more aware of those around me
  • challenge and give feedback to others
  • learn from others
  • be positive

2. What insights did you have last Sunday?

  • I have a lot to be positive about. Don’t dismiss it Take it. Own it.
  • It’s okay to please myself
  • I want, and can receive help and guidance from others (elders) on how to deal with life. I had none of this from my father.
  • predicted the hurdle with Robert, and it didn’t happen when we met up.
  • I benefit when I challenge others.
  • I am so easily negative.

3. How were you feeling last Sunday?

  • In the morning I felt energised, motivated, aware of my surroundings, positive.
  • by the afternoon I had a headache caused by Dev disappearing after our inspiring conversation before lunch.
  • in the evening I was calm, satisfied with the day’s achievements.

4. What did you plan for the coming week?

  • appraisals
  • tidy my home and garden
  • prepare to move belongings
  • preparations for the wedding

5. How did you prepare for the coming week?

  • spoke to Aubrey about the house and the wedding

6. What happened on Monday?

  • had the day off.
  • physio in the morning
  • siesta in the afternoon (didn’t do the garden)
  • spent the evening with Aubrey talking, smoking and laughing

7. How did you use the insights from Sunday for Monday?

  • pleased myself with a siesta. And with Aubrey I did not try to please him by getting unnecessarily involved in painting under the stairs. Instead I supported him by being with him. I had fun.

8. How did you go into your script?

  • overdid the first physio exercise (‘hurry up’ and get fit)
  • relaxed – too much complacency because things were going well. Cocky.

9. What reflections did you do on Monday before going to bed, and how did they relate to your insights at the weekend?

  • none. I went to bed late with a smile on my face after a lovely evening with Aubrey.

[Karaj: Reflection is important. Otherwise it is an animal existence.]

10. Considering the previous question, what preparations did you make for Tuesday?

  • none (cocky)

11. What happened on Tuesday?

  • worked with Karaj on the Cambridge certificates and laid four 3×2’ slabs in the corner of the garden.
  • spent another evening in Aubrey’s company – good conversation and laughter.
  • spoke to Dev and challenged him that it took him 2½ days to phone me and that is not good enough. Told him to relax, verbalise and not bash himself up.

12. As you are doing the exercise, how are you feeling?

  • like a child who has not done his homework
  • a knot in my stomach
  • determined to sort it out
  • slight shame at the revelations of my profile
  • relief at the revelations of my profile
  • thrown continuously back into emotions

[Karaj: Not good.]

13. What insights are you having right now?

  • how lazy I am
  • I am complacent
  • my behaviour is emotional: no planning, no preparation, no reflection. I just go up and down from moment to moment.
  • seeing what I need to do to change things

[Karaj: Do something.]

14. How are you relating to and going into your script right now?

  • emotional – shame and sadness at who I am.
  • (irrational) fear of being found out for the person I am
  • a need to be looked after
  • feel like a little boy

[Karaj: Do something.]

15. How did you use your insights from the weekend on Tuesday?

  • challenged Dev
  • verbalised to Aubrey my gratitude and appreciation of having lived in his house
  • more positive in the house and garden

16. How did you go into your script on Tuesday?

  • negativity upon waking
  • anxiety working on the Cambridge certificates – not confident enough or assured of my abilities

17. What were your reflections on Tuesday and how did they include the insights from the weekend?

  • very effective challenge to Dev
  • positive and encouraging with Aubrey

18. How did you prepare for Wednesday?

  • predicted hurdle with Robert – it never materialised

19. Look at the water Jonathan has just spilt – what images do you see?

  • young devil on a broomstick (not scary)
  • wolf (again, not scary)
  • small, overgrown hut with smoking chimney.

20. When the above exercise was given to you what was your initial reaction?

  • anticipation and intrigue about what I will see and what it will say about me.

21. What did you do in order to facilitate your exploration?

  • got up and walked around the shape.
  • didn’t deny what I saw.

[Karaj: Good.]

22. What was your reaction to other people’s method of exploration?

  • kept quiet because Robert hadn’t finished.
  • Robert said ‘That’s cheating’ when I stood up.

23. How did you go into your script?

  • emotional at the assumed significance of what I saw
  • did not verbalise
  • pleased at the negativity of the images – I wanted to show off my negativity!

24. What was your insight?

  • initial negative images were actually harmless and not scary. Both the devil and the wolf seemed more playful than serious. Just like me.
  • The overgrown yet inhabited hut signifies my isolation. The chimney shows there’s something going on inside but nobody knows what. Just like me when I don’t verbalise.

25. What happened on Wednesday? Answer this question or the next.

26. If you were at the house, what did you do?

  • realised I want to be involved in Robert’s issue with the divorce and being thrown out of London home, so I need to clear my present workload.
  • worked well while Robert and Karaj went shopping.
  • did the same when they went to the temple in the evening.

27. How did you use your insights and how were you in your script? Answer this question or the next.

28. What were your learning points?

  • I feel freer, unburdened and less negative when I have worked and achieved something no matter how small.
  • I can work when I am focused.

[Karaj: Good.]

29. (where applicable) What did you learn or what insights did you have in the pre-full-moon service at the Temple?

  • N/A

30. What was your reflection on Wednesday?

  • None. Went to bed after watching football with Aubrey. Very tired.

31. How did you prepare for Thursday?

  • gathered belongings together
  • arranged for Robert to pick me up at 08.30.

32. What did you do on Thursday? Answer this question or the next.

33. What were your learning points if you were at the house today?

  • my negativity towards the Church and religion runs deep.
  • I can benefit from others no matter what my preconceptions.

34. On Thursday what was your balance between your insights and your script? Answer this question or the next.

35. What were your insights and understanding from attending the celebration of the last supper?

  • I enjoyed and felt alive when I sang
  • people go to church to be with God
  • all ages attended not just old people as I had expected
  • I have great negativity towards church/religion
  • this was a step towards changing that
  • peaceful
  • discipline of the parishioners and the clergy alike.
  • the connection between the Passover (unleavened bread and the blood crosses on the door to protect the first-born, and Jesus (bread is his body, wine is his blood)
  • being in church helps to focus on God.
  • love others as Jesus loved us. Simple.

36. What were your reflections for Thursday and how did you use your insights from Sunday in your reflections?

  • inspired by Robert’s attitude in the face of all that is happening to him.
  • I can learn from elders
  • empowered by the church service
  • be positive
  • please myself – do what I want to do regardless of what others think, and what my negativity is telling me.

[Karaj: Good.]

37. What were your preparations for the weekend? How did you use your insights from last Sunday in your preparations?

  • verbalised intention to leave early on Friday to meet up with Aubrey
  • arranged to pick up suit for the wedding

38. What were your thoughts, feelings and intended actions when coming to the house on Friday?

  • anticipation of the weekend – excited about the wedding. Emotion.
  • looking forward to another good day with men in the garden after yesterday.
  • wanted to go to church.
  • planned to pay some bills.
  • enjoyed time to myself collecting the suit.

39. As you started work in the house, how did you relate to people?

  • initial discomfort after the enjoyment of isolation.
  • not aware of what was going on around me.
  • got to work with Karaj putting up the struts.
  • made lunch for us all.

40. How did you sort out your differences out?

  • was not that involved with others – alone preparing lunch in time for church visit.

41. How did you recreate your script?

  • loner, collecting suit. Karaj said that we could all have gone together.
  • loner, preparing food.
  • negativity surfaced in church re: religion and church.
  • slight withdrawal in the evening at Aubrey’s drinks get-together.

42. What action did you take to get out of your script?

  • I relaxed in church and focused on myself, my prayers and on the words of the sermon.
  • I relaxed and engaged, to an extent, with Aubrey’s friends.

43. What insights and understanding did you have when attending the Solemn mass?

  • I have the choice to be negative or to listen to what is being said, and be with myself.
  • I am taking action to move away from my negativity towards religion and the church.
  • God id God, regardless of religion or belief.
  • the power of attending with other men.

44. How did the mass reflect on your script issues?

  • showed me my negativity?

45. How did you reflect on your day?

  • did quite well with the socialising in the evening didn’t withdraw as much as usual, or rather, I noticed the withdrawal more.

46. How did you plan your Saturday considering your insights on Friday? Reflect on feelings, thoughts and resulting actions to be taken.

  • planned to put myself forward more, socialising at the wedding.
  • relax and engage more.
  • don’t withdraw
  • don’t be negative. Choose positivity.
  • don’t get too drunk too soon.

47. How did you force the pace in the house on Saturday in order for you and the team to work more efficiently and effectively?

48. (For JL) What were your insights as well as your script issues in participating in Aubrey’s wedding.

  • I lack social skills.
  • I am emotional.
  • I am immature.
  • I can talk to people one-to-one. I had a great chat with Kelvin about church and religion.
  • I attract motherly women – a friend’s girlfriend was keen to set me up with one of her friends (looking after me).

49. How did you repeat your script? (for others)

50. How did you plan for Sunday using your reflections from Saturday?

  • did not reflect or plan, other than I would ring the house when I knew what I was doing.

51. What was your state physically, mentally and emotionally on Sunday morning?

  • felt physically better than expected – no hangover.
  • emotional – now I felt the reality of moving out of Aubrey’s house.
  • alone – everyone at the wedding was either married or in a relationship and I have no-one.
  • missed Aubrey like I miss Francis after a trip to Germany.
  • like a lost child.
  • phoned the house twice: to say I wasn’t coming and then that I was – childish. I can come and go as I please and don’t have to inform everyone.
  • felt down about who I am – cannot relate as a grown up and I am too emotional
  • got to work on cleaning my kitchen because I knew I would wallow otherwise.
  • once the best man had been to pick up his things I knew I had to be with men.

52. What was your insight and understanding in attending the Celebration Mass?

  • N/A

53. How did you use the Celebration Mass in motivating yourself when working in the house?

  • N/A

54. What were the learning points and insights of working in the house on Sunday?

  • just how emotional I am – I am now more aware than ever and I caught myself time and time again feeling and being emotional, and about to make emotional comments just about every time I opened my mouth.
  • cleaning the kitchen in the morning and erecting the panels in the afternoon I see the benefits of focus and physical work – it takes me out of my emotions with the additional boost of achievement.
  • the need for standards in every aspect of life.
  • the need for accountability and responsibility.
  • how emotions and immaturity are so closely linked
  • to grow up I have to be in control my emotions
  • I have to start owning my emotional and immature state before I can move forward. I am doing that already. It is both depressing (emotion) because of the realisation that I am not who I’d like to be, and enriching because I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

[Karaj: Good insights.]

55. What were your reflections and expectations for Monday?

  • more focused on what we would be doing.
  • a few hours physical work followed by an afternoon of appraisals.
  • more opportunities to monitor my appraisals
  • progress in finishing the panels in the garden.

56. On Monday how did your expectations interfere with your motivations to work?

  • wanted to get away from my emotions by doing physical work, despite feeling down about myself and about leaving Aubrey’s house this week.
  • was aware of being emotional and caught myself each time.

57. How did you motivate the team today – what did you actually do?

  • encouraged, to a degree, but not much – complimented Robert on his work and encouraged Sunil in his work by verbalising the information he needed when working hard to move a 3×2’ slab with the help of a jack post.
  • kept a close eye on my emotions so that they did not interfere with the team
  • made the tea

58. What were your learning points from the day?

  • I am constantly emotional – I live in emotions.
  • I need to be busy – focused.
  • from Robert: ‘When I work hard I realise that I can work even harder’.
  • Lack of procedures – I start afresh each day, each moment, little memory of what has happened or application of insights.
  • profile exposed – I need to plan, predict, and prepare
  • I am like a child

59. In doing this appraisal of over a week’s work, how would you describe yourself?

  • no planning.
  • no preparation.
  • no application of learnings.
  • no projection of insights how will I put them to use?
  • constantly in emotions.
  • lacking social skills.
  • lazy and complacent
  • not aware of those around me

[Karaj: Sort it out.]

  • becoming more positive.
  • challenging my own attitude to church and religion.
  • becoming more engaging socially  – less withdrawn and more aware of withdrawal.
  • verbalising more
  • pleasing myself more

60. In doing this appraisal of over a week’s work, what do you think motivates you?

  • self-improvement. I want to be the best I can be, but up until now I have not been willing to work hard enough.

61. In doing this appraisal of over a week’s work, what do you think your needs are? How and when are you going to verbalise these needs so that they can be met?

  • need to grow up
  • control my emotions
  • develop social skills
  • plan, prepare, reflect
  • work harder – be more focused and make better use of my time instead of daydreaming and fantasising.
  • continue to develop my positivity
  • verbalise
  • I will raise these in the men’s group (on Friday) and talk to the men about where I am and what I am trying to achieve so that they can support me fully.

[Karaj: OK.]

62. What’s on your to-do list for the next week?

  • appraisals
  • pay bills
  • clean Aubrey’s house
  • move out of Aubrey’s house
  • RD report with Karaj
  • return wedding suit
  • work on accounts
  • cut Aubrey’s lawn
  • visit physio
  • find a place to live
  • send Sunil flat project to George
  • write to Francis
  • write to brother re: Alex’s visit
  • tidy office
  • send Cambridge certificates
  • wash sunken garden
  • laundrette
  • haircut
  • start yearly appraisal
  • SHG appraisal

63. What on your list needs to be handled immediately, today?

  • raise the issue of where to live – eventually did so with Robert, Ishwar & Dev; and Robert told me that any worry I have about it is simply pushing the solution further away.

64. How are you going to do things differently next week?

  • plan
  • predict
  • reflect
  • focus
  • stay aware and control my emotions
  • observe what’s going on around me.
  • practice social skills.

[Karaj: OK.]

During this whole process, Karaj’s wife was taken to hospital. He went with her, returned, gave us more questions, received and accompanied her mother when she arrived from London and continued to check in with us from the hospital pay phone to make sure any outstanding agenda items were sorted out.

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