07.20 40 mins. Once again I felt foggy in the morning and took time to get started. I soon began hurrying about trying to do things myself even though I had Ishwar with me. In the feedback session he raised this and I realised what I had been doing and what I always do. I make suggestions about what needs to be done and when people don’t do it I can blame them. I make this worse by rushing about trying do everything myself.
I realised that I would have to start giving instructions no matter how uncomfortable I might feel or how arrogant I think I sound. I took the first opportunity after the break and told Ishwar to fetch the jigsaw and cut the tile for the top of the gate. After that we worked together on the fence which would be attached to the gate. Again I told him what to do and I helped out. There was nothing wrong with it at all. Ishwar was pleased to have something to do, to get fully involved with the tools and I was able to get the job done to my satisfaction.
Today has been the day I saw my arrogance more fully than I have been prepared to admit in the past. I have believed that no-one can help me and that I can do all of this on my own. Moreover, my arrogance has always prevented me from verbalising my ignorance, my faults, my downfalls and my issues. The evening session went on late into the night. We reviewed our answers to some of the questions from the pre-appraisal, one of which highlighted the discrepancies in our teamwork because of the different evaluations of each other’s performance as a node.
I talked with Karaj about feeling negated when I am not heard. It is not the case that I am being negated and I simply need to be more forceful – don’t give up so easily.