I began feeling emotional about the prospect of Karaj being unhappy with the work I have done this week. Started to go low as I contemplated my guilt at not having done enough. The more I thought about it, the worse it got, and verbalising it didn’t really seem to help. Looking back, it only got worse because it was coming out.
Eventually Simran started to annoy me. I wanted to get into physical work but he wasn’t satisfied because I was still low. Got further annoyed with him for trying to analyse my issue too much instead of doing what Dev would do which is to challenge me to get on with life. In the end I verbalised my annoyance with him and my mood lifted in an instant.
In the evening’s supervision, which went on until 23:00, I was contemplative after what Karaj said about me:
‘Total arrogance, total laziness, total absent mindedness. He doesn’t plan, he doesn’t predict. My only concern is that Jonathan may fall apart. He needs to keep working as he has been doing. He has a tough time ahead of him; he has to make a decision and if he sticks with it he will be peaceful and will be respected among his peers. They will come to him as a wise man. He knows the personal development side of things, now he has to learn the job so that he can go out and deliver speeches on how things should be done, with the self and with the office (admin systems).’
Regardless, I did not withdraw. I am not prepared to give in and the challenge is becoming more clear to me now. It’s more about the office and the job rather than the therapy. Procedures. There is no choice. Choice is Child ego state.