I Want To Get Away

Feeling slightly less tired than yesterday. Karaj and I spent a couple of hours in the garden, bolting the lengths onto the cottage U-frames and squaring them up. I am still personalising everything. I want to get away from it all. Everything I say is wrong. Nothing I do is right. Emotional. Feeling shit. Still kept on going, though. This is my strength. In the face of everything, I am carrying on.

I reflected on last night’s session. Karaj told me I hesitated last night when I should be taking control, leading the group, dominating the space, taking every opportunity for myself. This is my life I am trying to sort out, not anyone else’s. Fuck everyone else, I am here to sort MYSELF out, so take control.

After yoga in the afternoon I felt physically very good, but went low as I left because I did not want to return to my life at the house – emotion. Got further into my feelings about not having a life of my own; I have to check everything with Karaj. This is a subservient attitude. What do I want? What is my vision? What are my goals? I decide. Take control, for fuck’s sake.

Stomach pains. Either lunch was off (possible) or it’s because I took Karaj’s feedback to me in today’s statement personally (probable). The pain came on again when Karaj was talking to Dev about how we are all shits, idiots, lunatics. Again, I am taking things personally and going further down with each insult. Walked out of the room and lay upstairs knowing how easy it is to give in to the pain, be ill and be vindicated. Saw the other side too: fighting the pain, standing up to it, fighting for myself, fighting for the life I want for myself.

Summary: started well and finished well. For most of the day, however, I wanted a different life. Need to get back to my discipline and my vision.

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