Come From ‘I’m Right’ All The Time

Woke up feeling much the same as yesterday: anxious. I’ve had enough and I spent the morning consoling myself with fantasies of leaving. Told myself to just keep my head down for a few more months and then go.

During an exchange with Karaj about something I had written for Michelle, I lost it. Confused about what Karaj was saying to me – because I had made myself wrong from the start – I told him I would leave if things got worse. As predicted, Karaj told me I should go today if that is the case. I finally came out with the fact that I just don’t care enough about my office, for example, to want to do anything. Karaj told me it takes strength to say that I don’t care. I finally saw that he was not attacking me and I was not wrong. Instead he was talking me through a process which would allow me to see how Michelle had sucked me in (with ‘things in common’) as well as seeing things about my mum and my dad. We talked about my feelings of confusion and frustration, as well as how I make myself wrong. Then George phoned.

Karaj told me to listen to the tape of the conversation because it was just what I needed to hear: how George’s feeling was just to fuck it all and get away, but then he realised that this is just what his dad had done. Script. And his dad had suffered for it.

Over lunch, Karaj told me the story of the woman who was told by Baba Nand Singh to stop gossiping in order to progress spiritually. He told her twice and twice she was unable to achieve it, admitting toward the end of her life that she had missed two golden opportunities.

For the next two hours Karaj talked to me about the contribution I have made to the office and about the guilt I would feel if I left here; how I should come from ‘I’m right’ all the time and see how that is. He concluded that I have no right to go because he will not be responsible for the mess I will make of my life if I leave. I listened to what he was saying. I did not feel rescued because that was not what I was after. Mine was a genuine communication of frustration and his response was a straight analysis of the situation, together with a simple conclusion. I did not feel high or low afterwards, just better informed and more relaxed.

I spent over six hours today working to finish the client statements for September and October. At one point I felt the drama building as my emotions told me I would never finish in time… and why did I ever think I would… and this in not my fault… and… But then I just got on with it and, as I worked, it began to be clear that I would finish in time to give people their work. Having tried to create a drama for myself by not ‘wanting’ to finish the work, I experienced the other side of the coin in the satisfaction of a completed job.

In the Wednesday Supervision Group this evening we discussed the following: George’s empty feeling and not creating relationships with pupils and parents; Ishwar’s issue of making himself wrong; Simran not interracting with his clients. Ishwar helped me see that I am attached to not completing the task because that way I can remain frustrated and annoyed. Karaj said that surely if I am lazy then I should do what I need to do to live a simple life. That means avoiding dramas, which is achieved by following procedures. In addition Karaj pointed out that his hard work has nothing to do with motivation or commitment it is just him following procedures.

Summary: started the day emotional and frustrated. Finished it relaxed and stable.

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