Simran arrived at 09:00. Both of us are in the same space: tired and hanging on. We talked, almost secretively and with a resigned ‘What’s the point?‘, of our dissatisfaction, disillusionment and confusion. For Simran the goal is to get to the stage where the challenges do not affect him. I console myself with the thought of leaving.
The conversation with Simran left me feeling calmer in the afternoon, although this probably had more to do with the fact that Simran was taking most of the challenges.
In this evening’s men’s group, Ishwar’s issue highlighted the Child Ego State and how we change procedures. We do it because when things work nothing happens and we seek strokes of any kind even if it means creating a drama to get them. When things go right, nothing happens and that is the purpose of my work here – to be quiet and progress quietly. Look, for instance at the noise associated with negativity and failure.
Parent Ego State is about flowing with life and planning. When I plan I create criteria and when I have fulfilled those criteria I get out rather than outstay my welcome or fuck things up by trying to ‘improve’ my work.
Summary: started off with reluctance; talked to Simran about how things are getting worse for me (I switch lights on and cannot see that they have not gone on, or switch the computer on and cannot tell that I have switched the light on instead.) I seemingly cannot tell light from dark, and Karaj is expecting me to observe the nuances of human behaviour! Worked steadily in the afternoon and, because I was fairly relaxed in the group, I was accurate when I contributed. Finished the evening with some work and felt okay; balanced but still a little unsettled by the fact that I seem to be getting worse. Is this what Karaj means when he says that I need to see that I am incompetent.