No Stone Left Unturned

The following comments have been taken from the last 11 days of notes. They highlight how challenging the environment has become. Every little transgression or miscommunication is being challenged; every emotional response is a signpost to a pattern of behaviour. There was no hiding place for anyone and it was precisely this approach which meant that, if we wanted to expose our conditioning and behaviour in order to be able to face it head on, no stone could be left unturned.

1. At half past midnight I took a break while the evening’s supervision continued. In search of some relief from the pain I was in I went to lie down in the cottage. The limping because of my leg pain is affecting my hip, back and left shoulder. I fell asleep until 01:00.
2. In the afternoon’s supervision we talked about the emotion of the pain I am in and yet, at the same time, we are contributing to people. Even in our pain we can contribute.
3. Karaj got annoyed when he discovered we had returned. Nobody had told him we were back. I had assumed George had checked upstairs fully and did not check myself. Never assume.
4. I challenged Simran on his call to Harriet. He had not discussed it with anyone and left a message guaranteed to annoy. I told him to get on with his report for the day as it was clearly still with him, affecting him. I helped him, keeping an eye on what others were doing at the same time. I felt alive again after feeling tired earlier on.
5. Dev was challenged heavily by everyone in the session. Karaj has told me to be very challenging.
6. Challenge to Kuldip for not being involved here. Either he is or he isn’t. No half measures or coming when he feels like it.
7. Calvin and I walked in on a challenge to Simran, Dev and Priya for being quiet. Throughout the night I challenged more; just like before Australia.
8. I tried sorting out Karaj’s Friday appointments but ended up in a game with Harriet because I was showing off how organised and in control I was. Relax. Just leave things as they are.
9. Spent time upstairs sorting out Dev’s CV. Dev’s negativity messed up the printer in a way I have never seen before. He just does not want to finish things and does not want to win.
10. Considering it was to be a relaxed day, I have worked well and have been able to identify my emotional moods as well as the procedures for engaging and staying on top of things so that I did not go (further) down and destroy myself unnecessarily.
11. Simran was clearly nervous and unsure of himself, what to do and what to say. He left and returned in his usual manner, sneaking quietly and unnoticed back into the house. I challenged him on this and he did what he usually does, sorrowfully acknowledging his error (…until the next time he does it!)
12. The garden work was satisfying. Simran was not with it though. Dev arrived with Priya. He was not with it either. Nonetheless, we did beautiful work. The perfection lies in the imperfections.
13. The pain in my back and left groin is getting worse. I also have pain in my right hip.
14. Supervision: Dev is fucking around being pathetic: sick & sulky. We talked about the subject of fines and how they can help me to avoid getting emotionally involved in people’s inadequacies and mistakes – just fine them. I will move on one way or another so what do I care?
15. In the garden, I got Kuldip and Dev as well as Ishwar on the job. Dev is behaving like a frightened, sulky child. Also assisted Karaj with the woodwork on the pyramid. It is easy to delegate when I can let go in the first place.
16. Worked with Kuldip and Ishwar in the garden hanging the doors to the pyramid. Got a little agitated about the tight fit of the doors but managed to relax eventually. Too eager to do a perfect job, that’s the problem. Mainly, I just got on with the work although got a little hyper too; I think that I can impress with (over-)enthusiasm rather than just getting on with things. We still  worked well together; like a family, supporting and watching out for each other.
17. I became a bit stressed today and Karaj had to calm me down. When I think I am responsible I go to pieces. Karaj has told me to take charge but curb my need to take on responsibility, and also to be aggressive but not emotional.  My body is very weary and I am in a lot of pain.
18. Feeling tired, in pain, short-tempered. These eased as we wrote the comprehensive agendas for the day. Also supported Priya in putting together her court file. Making notes whenever they come to you is a big help. They focus you on the subject, nothing is forgotten and final compiling is easy. We also did Priya’s Monthly Business Review. The SWOT analysis was a way of stating intentions; standing up for oneself; stating a few facts about processes and the lack of support from management etc; and about getting what one wants.
19. Insight: When I am treated badly I revert to old habits. I am now learning to stop (the process) and deal with it so that I am okay. I use procedures for this and slowly they are becoming internalised and natural, replacing my upbringing and conditioning.
20. Challenge to Dev: he employs a servant (Karaj) yet does not act like a master. He is worrying about his manager and his job rather than getting on with his own performance and enjoying himself.
21. I called Kuldip to see where he is. He had promised Karaj he would be here by 09.00. Karaj had asked me to phone and I allowed myself to be distracted by Kuldip’s comments that he had already informed Simran. As far as I am concerned my communication should be straight and between me and the person, nobody else. Don’t be sucked in to their games, excuses, explanations, or their communication with others.
22. Dev was challenged again: fines, blocking Karaj and not hearing what is said to him.
23. I took a managerial role in the garden work and learnt a few things. Standing back from the work I can see what needs doing, who is doing what and what people need. I need to know where everything is and when I ask for something don’t shout to everyone otherwise I could cause someone to lose focus and endanger themselves. Talk to specific people. Also slow right down. This will take 18 months to get the hang of and if I do not take it easy Karaj and I will fall out – more storming.
24. Good learning today. I am moving forward and the trick is not to be in a hurry. The pain is getting worse. Also noticed my short-temper when in pain. Karaj – ‘You need to know the difference between actual (physical) pain and the made up (psychological) pain which is the fuck up.‘ When I can separate these two I’m there.
25. I wanted to make an early start this morning but couldn’t get up. Wonder whether sleeping on the floor is the best thing for me at the moment.
26. Karaj called from London and we talked about how people are coming here more and more and this is our time to get out of the office. I need to move on and we need to have regular meetings to discuss the next step.
27. Moved to sleeping on the couch in the middle of the night but is seemed to make no difference. My sleep is still interrupted by the pain.
28. Harriet and George arrive. I am not feeling particularly hospitable or accommodating but I know what choice I have: either indulge in my emotions, withdraw and make things worse; or engage and bring myself back into the world. I engaged – it was not much of an effort either – and slowly I felt better.
29. In the afternoon, the feelings returned: wanting to walk away, not wanting to be with these people, or any of the group members. But I engaged nonetheless. Procedures.
30. In the WSG this evening, I learnt from the challenge to Dev. There is no need to remember things, just be aware of what is going on and do what needs to be done to stay on top of things. That’s exactly what I have been doing today and at other times this week. When emotions strike follow procedures. Karaj told me that I am hyper and  have been since returning from Australia. He cannot relate to me. Calm down and in a few weeks things will be okay
31. I felt down today and fed up with who I am and the people I am with, but at the same time I knew this was emotion and carried on doing what I need to do to get through. Paradox: although, when emotional, I begrudge people’s presence here, it is their presence which helps me to engage and get on with my work (and my life). That is what Karaj means when he talks about serving people: ‘Use me or I will die.‘
32. Karaj challenges Dev again. He is not progressing. He is too interested in being wrong and emotional. While this went on I made use of the time and cleaned the sink. Karaj later told me that this is a sign of my positive attitude – not getting caught in the negativity. During a break later in the day, Dev made a good effort to acknowledge things after this morning’s challenge.
33. Good work on the accounts. I’m feeling better. Coming out of the low and seeing how I hang on to it and how reluctantly I am coming out of it. This is the addiction to the emotional state.