Awoke feeling tired and short-tempered; fed up of being tired. Dev and Ishwar arrived at 09:00 and we sat together with Karaj. There were more discussions about Kuldip. We talked about him no longer coming here, especially after the effect he had on Ishwar on Wednesday. No-one could get through to Ishwar; he had behaved out of character because Kuldip had got to him the day before when he went to Ishwar’s house to work on his (Kuldip’s) contract. This was the final evidence, along with what he had done to me last year and this week. Karaj turned to me and said ‘Take 3-4 weeks to consolidate yourself now.’
The whole day alternated between garden work and supervision. The physical worked finished at 22:00 and the final group session ended at 02:00.
Garden – put a step in the hedge between the two houses (Karaj’s & Shona’s).
Supervision – Priya arrived and was challenged for not being here for 3 weeks and having no contact for 1½ weeks. She did not respond and I challenged her to talk. I do not want any more silences. In my short temper I am sick of people fucking around.
Garden – finished the step. Again, a good job. It looks like it has been there for ages.
Supervision – Karaj, Dev, Ishwar, Priya and I. Had a good conversation with Karaj: get rid of my anger in physical work only. Then I will have clarity and be able to be clear with others. I will have one consistent voice and be clear with people where I stand and who I am. So if people are not contributing to me then I can challenge them to do so or leave. (Karaj: ‘Don’t give people love, challenge them.’) In that way I become less tolerant of people messing around. I have lots of work to do and no time to waste.
Garden – work on patio shelves extension. Cleared patio area, tidied bricks and plants, creosoted boards & laid electrical wires for lights to shelves and utility block. Put boards up on the shelves extension and installed a window on the far side.
Supervision – following the installation of the window, Ishwar wondered how Karaj’s brain works. I contributed by saying that Karaj knows what he has, and as far as he is concerned he can do anything he likes. There are no limits. My most used phrase in my time with Karaj has been ‘You can’t do that!’ Karaj could not understand that the rest of us ‘suffer’ from self-imposed restrictions which prevent us from doing things he would not think twice about. Our trouble is that the filtering is almost instinctive, such that we don’t even realise we are limiting ourselves. Another good conversation.
Garden – put an awning on the patio shelves & wired the lights up.
Supervision – all thought has to be analysed, not just blurted out. Ask yourself: ‘Why am I saying this?’
Garden – finished the patio work; secured the awning and made a platform for the plants out of the bricks and some shaped boards. People were energised after the physical work. The mind stuff should be easy now. I’m feeling more relaxed and calm. Balanced. At 17.00 I was shattered but I kept plugging away. As with the finance work yesterday, I don’t know how I’ve managed to achieve what I have. I just kept going.
Supervision – Karaj, Dev, Priya, Ishwar, Shona and I. Priya’s letter to her mother and one from her mother. They are both the same. Priya’s letter was nothing like the honest, cathartic one she wrote last year. She is being incongruent (cannot be trusted). She said she was feeling in an odd mood. No wonder really because she has not been here for weeks. How quickly she has gone down. Karaj: ‘We’re working at such a high level that when someone goes down it’s obvious.’ Priya was challenged for accepting her boss’s vague arrangements for a meeting on Monday. She has no idea who she is and no idea of her culture.
(I noticed during a break that I can lower myself down slowly off my tiptoes on my left foot. I haven’t been able to do this since the operation because of the muscle weakness caused by the nerve damage. But where did my mind dwell? On the torn hem of my favourite jeans. Amazing!)
Summary: Despite the way I started the day, I did not panic and that calmness led to good discussions with Karaj, during which he told me: ‘It is such a relief that I can have a dialogue with you, and that you are showing maturity.’ He’s not half as relieved as I am. A good day ended (at 02:45) with me reading my appraisals from July 2001. I had opened them at random and read about Kuldip leaving the house after fucking up my space. Sounds familiar. [See also here and here.]