Yesterday was Kelvin’s wedding. The whole day ran smoothly and was great fun. I socialised well, although at times during the evening I felt a little lost and on the verge of withdrawal. Nevertheless, I participated fully and benefited as a result. I need to wake up to how good I am, start seeing the qualities which others see in me and accept their affirmations when given.
Connected to this is my reluctance to let go and indulge in the moment, have fun and express myself. I stop myself because I think I am not good enough but when I eventually get involved I see that I am. Or do I see it? Probably not. Don’t think about things so much.
Back home I settled easily into things at the house, affording myself the odd smile as I recalled the events of the past few days.
In the evening’s supervision, I expressed my learning points from the latest wedding. See how good I am, stop thinking and let go; experience, enjoy, freedom, expression, joy. Karaj commented: ‘You never found out how good you were with football because your career was curtailed. And your parents did not take care, so you did not learn or weren’t allowed to be dependent.’
I had a thought: I am arrogant because I think I’m good (independent etc.). If I see how good I actually am and I know, then I will not be arrogant. I put this to Karaj and he told me that when I know how good I am, the humility takes over. I also know that when I’m listening to people, I am usually saying to myself ‘You don’t understand. You’re not interested’, and I switch off. When I stay focused and listen, however, I’m good.