Awake. The tiredness seems to be getting worse. Simran arrived 09.05 and the two of us sat together with Karaj. They talked about the Wednesday Group. Simran argued half-heartedly for its continuation. Karaj put him straight that we cannot afford to take any risks. It is still 2003 and things will get more and more difficult as we reach the end of the year. There was also mention of how light things are here now that Kuldip is no longer around.
With this evening’s men’s group in mind, I encouraged Simran to relax and say what comes to him rather than make things up. Indeed, when his agenda item was raised, he spoke with more confidence and knowledge than usual. In addition, we addressed the following items:
- Leon’s issue – his girlfriend’s insecurity – led onto a good discussion on relating to women. The controlled release of frustration, as Karaj demonstrates by not even attempting to calm, pacify, rescue or reassure women, is healthier than the explosion which men suffer when they try to help.
- Feelings and instinct. Use the procedures of Parent ego state to distinguish between feelings and instinct (both Child ego state).
- Whenever I’m confronted by someone, all I can do is look inside myself and ask: Who am I? What am I thinking? How do I feel? What do I have to say?
- Ishwar’s letter to his father. I read it slowly and Karaj translated it into Punjabi. I was focused on the job and on Karaj, untouched by the letter. Everyone else was moved in some way. I felt nothing. However, when Leon said that he hoped his son would write something about him one day (he already does!), I was touched. Upon reflection, this didn’t surprise me: a message from son to father has no effect because I have given my father all I have to give at present, yet the love from father to son has an impact on me because it would be nice for my father to show some of the same. (Or rather, it would have been nice.)
- Ishwar’s appraisal from his deputy chief was excellent. More evidence that things are actually happening here. Look over the top of the detail and monotony, and there on the horizon of our lives, things are working.
The group ended at 23:00. There was maturity, good humour and good work throughout. That’s more like it. It’s happening.
Summary: Absolutely worn out thanks to three painkillers today. A good day, though. Good work and a lightness about me which leaves me unburdened, without resentment and free to function effectively with a smile on my face and warmth in my heart.