The last four days look like the beginning of the end of my time at the house. I am exhausting what physical and mental resources I have left, and although Karaj continues to provide support and encouragement, it is looking increasingly as though it will not be enough.
Monday – I noticed my annoyance at people being here. I’ve not had this for a while. Karaj: ‘We need to become more efficient. Work hard on Fridays and Saturdays to get everything done. We need solid foundations to be able to take the opportunities in 2004.’ I was quiet today and contented in my quietness. Ishwar picked me up on it but I was not withdrawn. I need the foundation of discipline to sustain me when the doubts enter my head. Karaj: ‘You’re doing fine. The doubts will come and go and one day you’ll be okay with them.’
Tuesday – Very tired today. Mentally okay but physically nothing left.
Wednesday – Stayed in bed all morning. I have a headache and a flu-like weakness. Stiff pain in lower back and no motivation to do anything. Did very little all day. Physically low, and mentally I’m slipping down too.
Today – Rested all day. Thoughts of packing this all in. I’m going nowhere and my life is shit.