During this evening’s session, Shona was being very negative about her world and herself. It’s tiresome. I know how she feels but there is a stubborn, energy-draining barrier she puts up to any help, positive comments, or suggested alternatives to her perspective. She works hard at remaining negative in the (vain) hope that someone will come along and sort it out for her: ‘I just want someone to take the pain away.’ I recognise that because I do the same, but there comes a time when you realise that no-one is going to do it and there is only you.
Karaj spoke to Michelle on the importance of verbalising where you are so that people know (where they stand). His words included more compliments to me (they keep coming these days) on how hard I have worked and where I have brought this place to. It is still difficult for me to accept these words; my mind tells me they are said to keep me happy and keep me here. Ridiculous.
I have worked well this evening, but in the quietness I am still fed up. I don’t see the point in anything and have no idea where we are heading. Karaj said, ‘We will be successful, I promise you. And if that is not the case by 2005 I will sell the house and pay you the wages in full.‘ My immediate reaction was ‘No.’ If I’m still wondering about it all in two years’ time, then I doubt I’ll have much patience left. Or maybe I’ll have all the patience in the world? That’s if I’m still here. I just don’t know.
Summary: A busy and productive day. It’s good that I am able to carry on working in spite of feeling low.