Have Fun

Dev called and we talked about choices. You choose what you want. Yesterday I saw clearly the choice I have made to live. Any doubts or temptations are made less powerful because I have already made choices. Dev talked of wanting to have his childhood again so he can make it perfect and not turn out the way he has. I assured him there is no point dwelling too much on the past, adding that what I have learnt about my parents in recent years has made me angry, but it has shown me that who I am is not necessarily me. Essentially, I am a result of my parental conditioning (as well as my familial, ancestral, cultural and societal conditioning).

This is something I have always maintained, but now I see it clearly. What’s left when those aspects are removed, is me, and that is worth fighting for. I owe my parents nothing. They have done their job and got me this far. It is now up to me to get on with my life, sort my mess out, and make the very best of who I really am. Dev makes choices, but he also puts blocks in the way of his future. A waste of energy. I know because I do it too. But I can choose not to.

I chatted with Simran over supper. He cannot relax until Karaj has returned from London. We talked about the fact that this gets him nowhere, and Karaj won’t thank him for it either. It’s what our parents (and his grandmother) used to do to us when we were young. I did not get too involved in conversation with him. Once I had said enough, I left him to it and went upstairs.

I watched a programme on the brain and how we use the left hemisphere to analyse ourselves. Louis Sass, who has worked extensively with schizophrenics, says of them, ‘The self which examines and analyses itself too much and cannot have fun or accept itself, will lose itself.’ I can understand that. I analyse too much and Karaj keeps telling me to have fun and accept who I am; see my brilliance. Do these things and I will win. My determination is there, my ability is there. So have fun.

Summary: A restful day. Good conversations with Dev and Simran. I didn’t overdo it with either of them.

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