I had woken up yesterday feeling good physically and mentally. It was the best I have felt in weeks. Unfortunately, I woke up this morning in a very different mood: annoyed, because my back had seized up. I also had Simran, Dev, Priya and Michelle traipsing thorough the space where I sleep, which just made things worse.
Today was the analysis workshop (with Karaj, Michelle, Ishwar, Dev, Simran, Priya, Serena, Harriet, Shona, George, Leon, Calvin and me). In his introduction, Karaj explained how analysis provides a snapshot of where we are, and that taking a number of snapshots allows us to see our patterns.
It is important to note, however, that the analysis not be acted upon. Any action will inevitably be taken from and lead straight back into script. All we can do is share it with others. That is sufficient because, as a result of this straightforward process, we will know what we need to do. It is also possible that outsiders will confirm our progress and growth, just as my friends have fed back to me this summer without them even knowing what I am doing.
We split into groups to analyse our to-do lists in terms of Glad, Mad & Sad (GMS) for each hour or entry throughout the day and week. I worked with George and Leon, using my to-do list from 1-5 September 2003. We sat together in C1 and as soon as I walked in there to join them, I immediately felt lighter. My mood lifted and I knew I was all right. Karaj then came by to tell me of his thoughts about my annoyance. He said that my back has gone because I have been receiving love, attention and feedback.
During the group work it emerged that Leon’s son (who was also present for the workshop) has not told Leon that he’s been voted upper school representative. Father and son are as bad as each other with their modesty, and this example is all I need next time Karaj reminds Leon to own his skills and expertise.
Analysis of my GMS graph showed that I’m okay when things are stable, but I lose it when (little) issues arise. When I spoke to Dev in the break, his comment was: ‘I didn’t realise I was so glad’, which inspired me to see that this is our true selves emerging, while our conditioning slips slowly away. Michelle said something similar: ‘The good cells are coming through.’ The next task was to look at the activities for each day and draw graphs to represent them. For this particular week at least, my life seemed to be all about eating, sleeping and my to-do list.
After lunch came the analysis of our activities. It showed how much admin people actually do, which was a surprise to all of us. Karaj pointed out, using the evidence from people’s graphs, that administration is a powerful necessity. It allows us to do our core tasks. He added that I am an anomaly because my work is my self-development, which means my to-do list is effectively administration.
When we combined the health and work analyses, and looked at the correlation between the health (MSG) and the activity graphs, I noticed that the day which had my most mood changes was the one I was most tired. I commented that I need to be careful not to let my work affect me. Karaj countered this, telling me me, ‘It’s not about not letting work affect you; it’s about being aware of what happens to you.’ That’s all I have to do because things will change as a result of my awareness.
We repeated the whole exercise using a day at home. I used the 4th August 2003; a day when Karaj was in London and I had the day off. The process was the same as before: analysis of moods and activities, including percentages of both. My analysis of the home graph showed that I’m okay when I am alone. My problems start when I am among others.
Karaj told me the variables I perceive because of the presence of others are a figment of my imagination. The fact is, I am still myself wherever I am, so nothing actually changes. Ishwar has the same issue, whereas George, Leon and Calvin are consistent whether at work or at home.
Summary: The workshop captured the essence of what I originally came here to do 3½ years ago: see for myself who I am, such that I cannot hide from the indisputable evidence; and to do so in the company of people who are equally committed to sorting themselves out. It has shown me where I am and how well I am doing, and has re-affirmed the need to proceed gently and simply be aware of what happens. Nothing else. Everything I want to happen will occur naturally through awareness. Karaj also thanked me: ‘All this is because of your hard work.’