Deciding In Every Instant

Karaj talked to Ishwar about me as if I weren’t there. The implication was that I am not going to be here for  much longer – can’t argue with that – and Karaj ended by saying, ‘I have done all I can for Jonathan. If I try to do any more I will kill him – I’ll do what his parents have done. There is nothing for Jonathan to do except practice what he has learnt here.’ There was some more about choosing to be with winners, and that if I do not own what I have achieved here and how good I am, then I will walk out myself.

Later, I talked to Karaj about Christmas. I don’t want people around if Karaj is at meditation. I also clarified this morning’s dialogue between Karaj and Ishwar. Ishwar had asked how he could support me. Karaj told me that all the men are concerned about me; they like me and do not want to lose me. Karaj has told them just to leave me alone and pray that I make the right decision. Even if I don’t, there is nothing they can do about it. But if they try to do anything it will not work.

Karaj asked me if I am looking forward to the weekend with my friends. I have not really thought about it. He told me to talk to them about their futures; what do they have planned and what makes them so certain they will be okay? Aren’t they scared? We talked about having to make the decision to stay here on a daily basis, (if not a minute-by-minute basis). Karaj added that I should know that when he is sharp with me it is because he is addressing my behaviour in that instant. He has not forgotten all that I have achieved, but if he does not challenge me, then others will ask why I get away with it, and they will begin to ignore me.

In the supervision session, Simran, Michelle and Calvin were all challenged, whilst Ishwar showed his maturity when he lost two days of analysis work by making the decision to get on with his report. While he did this, the other three were umm-ing and aah-ing about their lives and getting nowhere. People left at 23:00. Karaj had said he was going to get them out by 22.30 and he did a good job. He told me there was negativity about because Ishwar was concerned about his father. He has gone to see him now. They have been asking Karaj what is the matter with me. Karaj told them I am in my script.

Summary: Worked steadily throughout the day. My learning point is that I need to decide every moment to stay here. I’m otherwise feeling quiet, subdued and not particularly interested in discussing where I am.

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