There are a few recent journal entries from 11 years ago missing. I have left them out because they are just me going round in circles following the ending of my relationship from that time (see the entry, ‘Listen to Myself’). I ended up writing her a letter telling her what I thought of her. But I never sent it. I wanted to because I felt she needed to know what I had written. But Kuldip, who arrived just as I had finished writing it, told me not to. There was no need. I remember Karaj’s words from the post, ‘Love & Compassion’: ‘If I have to criticise, I walk away.’
What’s important is what we learn from such relationships, and whether they help us experience and define who we are. That is why we need other people in our lives, because it is in our relationships with them that we fully experience the beauty of who we are. In January a friend wrote to me saying she felt weird after seeing a picture of her ex-boyfriend with his new love. I wrote this to her (she has given her permission for me to publish it):
‘No matter what you may try and tell yourself, your last relationship was not the pinnacle. As far as I’m concerned (and it’s easy for me to talk because I have found someone who makes things make sense) the right relationship has to have something effortless about it. Not completely and not all the time, but there has to be something effortless about it.
Our problems begin when we want something so badly that we make the second best thing fit. It happens often, but you need to know that the love you felt for your ex-boyfriend had more to do with you than with him. The relationship hurt you but it gave you some insight into your capacity to love another person.
You may think the whole experience has damaged your ability to love. But that’s simply not true. If the right man came along tomorrow, you would find yourself loving more than you ever thought possible. And you would feel gratitude for being given the opportunity to feel a depth of love greater than you have ever felt.
So, know that the experience of that past relationship was a very good one, a useful one and a beautiful one. But also know that he was not the one for you because you still have not loved a man like you really can. But you will.
Just relax and know that the feelings you had on seeing that picture are valid ones. And know that a more fulfilling and loving experience awaits you. You are a beautiful and loving woman, and there is a man out there who will be lucky enough, appreciative enough and mature enough to accept all the love you have to give.
This is not about you finding Mr Right. This is about you having the opportunity to experience just how much you can love.’