We talked into the early hours of the morning, and he explained to me how I am torn between my need to belong and my desire to go my own way. For years I have been frustrated by the world and my place in it, feeling that if only the world were more like me, then I wouldn’t have to struggle in isolation. In my moments of clarity I reprimand myself, saying it’s my problem, not the world’s, and that if I really had the courage of my own convictions I would stride on down my chosen path, without the need for the world to come with me and keep me company.
It is a struggle which has been particularly difficult over the last two years; but I am not the only one. In our conversation, Karaj made it clear that it is a human struggle: wanting to belong, but at the same time wanting to be individual. A simple example is whether to stick with the safety of a steady job, or give it all up for the pursuit of a lifelong dream. Opting for security is an attractive choice because the majority is more likely to countenance the sensible, reasonable alternative; one which maintains the equilibrium and doesn’t raise any questions about their own choices.
As I write, the realisation dawns that this is nothing new for me. This current conflict with myself is the latest in a long line, going back to my teenage years, when the message to me was: you cannot have your dream. That message was bestowed on me by my grandmother, who reinforced it in subsequent years by telling me I should always have something to fall back on. A few years later, believing what I had been told and in the absence of any other stimulation to shape my dreams, I chose a degree course which easily fulfilled my grandmother’s instruction. Looking back at those college days, I can see that I was copying my friends’ behaviour and drifting through life under the assumption that if I do what everyone else is doing, it will make me as happy as them. I didn’t bother to think too much about what I really wanted because, as I had learnt, dreams must remain dreams.
In my late twenties, after ten years of higher education and an unsatisfying career in finance, I remember thinking that the time had come to do what I wanted to do. That was the beginning of a three-year cycle of tentative steps into the unknown, which culminated in the intense personal development work I have done ever since. Then, two years ago, I was faced with a choice which has brought me to the point of writing this post. I had the chance to follow a familiar route and start a family with a wonderful woman who offered me more than I have ever experienced. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. With immense pain in our hearts, we separated and I have been questioning myself ever since. It saddens me deeply, but that only perpetuates the belief that I have a choice.
The pain is still with me and the sadness sometimes takes my breath away. I have searched in vain for a way to make it work; to force myself down the same kind of well-trodden path my grandmother told me I should follow. All of my college friends have chosen that route; I see their happiness and I have tried to convince myself I can experience the same. I recognise now that there has always been a desperation to belong, to be accepted and to be one of the group; a need which has been fortified by the belief that I cannot follow my path. It has been like that for over 30 years, during which time I have discounted myself and my desires, and allowed myself to be swayed by those I thought knew better. There is no more choice for me. Even if it takes another 30 years to remedy, I owe it to myself to go my own way.
2 Responses
Sehr intensiv, sehr nachvollziehbar, Jonathan. Tief in mir drin habe auch ich die Gewissheit, dass es für mich nur meinen eigenen Weg geben kann.
Danke, Ulli. Viel Erfolg auf Deinem.