We yearn for attention because we need it. As social animals, attention, acknowledgment and physical contact are fundamental to our development and continued health. Yet most of us have no idea how important our need is, nor how strongly it affects us. Studies of people’s brains in fMRI scanners have shown that (social) rejection affects the same part of the brain associated with physical pain, which is why solitary confinement in prisons is such a bleak and damaging punishment. It hurts to be excluded and ignored, and we are likely to do whatever is necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen.
Unfortunately, this simple and inescapable fact of life, combined with a lack of awareness, means we unconsciously manipulate situations in order to satisfy our need, rather than be straight about it and simply ask. We play games with each other to ensure we get the attention we need; we create dramas to draw people’s focus onto us; and, like small children, we even misbehave in order to elicit negative attention, which is better than no attention at all.
Look at the feeling you get when someone likes whatever you post on facebook. More interestingly, examine how you feel when nobody responds. You begin to doubt yourself, question what you have posted; even experience some insecurity about what others think of you. Some people bypass the risk of not getting any ‘likes’ by deliberately prompting questions. They post cryptic messages or tempting scraps of information such as: ‘I don’t believe it!’ or ‘It’s happened again!’ They offer no further information, forcing a response from those curious enough to play their game, who ask: ‘What’s happened?’ or ‘Is everything okay?’ Such a tactic almost guarantees attention (to begin with, at least). It is manipulative and is another example of the game playing highlighted in the post ‘The Karpman Drama Triangle’.
A lack of attention can even have fatal consequences. Robert Sapolsky, the acclaimed neurobiologist, in his 1998 essay, ‘How The Other Half Heals’, points out that in the early part of last century, many pediatricians prescribed incubation for certain sick infants, instructing medical staff and parents alike that the children be left alone and denied all human touch. This lead to a wasting away of the child, a weakening of their immune system and eventual death. Death by emotional deprivation; preventable by simple and regular physical contact.
In TA theory, the attention we crave so much is referred to as strokes, of which there are two basic types – positive and negative (see related posts below). Next time you feel lonely, or in need of attention, support, acknowledgment or physical contact, just ask for it. Seek out those you love, or trust, or who you know can give you what you want, and be straight with them. Don’t resort to manipulation or game-playing. Acknowledge your need, know that it is a healthy one, and pursue it with the same clarity and understanding with which you pursue all of your goals.