A Vision For My Future

This post is for me. They all are really, but as one period of my life reaches its natural conclusion, the intention behind this piece is to define my pathway for the next phase of my development. I have referenced the imminent end to this blog on numerous occasions, but now there are only 16 days before the final journal entry is published, and it is becoming clear why my time at the house came to an end. In the last entries my annoyance reaches its peak and, whilst there are sporadic windows of relief and reassurance that everything might be fine if I stayed, there is a creeping inevitability about my departure.

Those entries are the intense culmination of four years’ work, and as I look through them in preparation for the concluding chapter of this blog, they are leading me to define who and how I want to be in the future. So far, I have noted three points from the October 2003 posts:

  • Be in awe of my journey.
  • Listen to my body (rather than my mind). Be with the sensations, the pain and the feelings, instead of allowing my mind or my emotions to dominate.
  • Be quiet. Be still. There is no need to make noise or create unrest.

There is one more encompassing element to my vision, but first here is a passage from the journal entry, ‘I Need To Win’, from 6th October 2003:

Over the past few days I have been clear about things and I have stood up for myself. However, it has all been achieved with and through anger. The goal for me is to achieve the same without the anger. […] Karaj told me I need to win and I can use my competitive instinct to do so. He also told me I need to master one thing so that when all around me are losing their heads, I can calmly get on with what I’m good at. He continued, adding that I need to recognise my worth and what a valuable commodity I am, otherwise people will just continue to use me.

If I concentrate on one thing each day for the foreseeable future, then it should be that the world is okay, the people in it are okay, and I am okay. There is no need to get annoyed with people. Leave them. Get off their backs, because in their own way, they are also doing all they can – all they know – to be the best they can be. They are striving for their own future. Mine may look different, but that does not mean we cannot travel together for a short while. Instead of allowing my emotions to influence me unduly, my focus should be on becoming peaceful; being at peace with myself and my journey.

Much of my frustration exists because I have always wanted people to do the same as me, in order that my chosen path be less of a trial. But that’s not happening. In a conversation with Karaj, he explained to me the nature of the struggle: insights alone are not enough; you have to follow through on them. The time has come to accept that the world is different to the way I would wish it, and that the best I can do is continue with my commitment to my own insights about how I believe my world should be. I know what I need to do, and I know what is good for me. So, my message to myself is this:

Be gentle with yourself. Take your time. Be focused and clear. Listen carefully to who you are. Be in awe of your journey, and use every opportunity to be quiet, still, and at peace with yourself and the world.

Related post: It All Comes Down To This

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