What We’re Up Against

I posted a journal entry recently, from 11 years ago (My Mind At Work). It was the most difficult entry of all to post because it denigrates the man who helped changed my life. I debated with myself and consulted those close to me on whether or not to publish. It would have been easy not to, but in the end I had little choice because the entry provides important insight into the power of the mind (and script) to undermine our entire process. Back then, I had been warned that such a phase would come, but still I felt powerless to do anything. I was even aware what was happening at the time – as can be seen from a line in the previous day’s entry – but still it seemed there was nothing I could do about it:

I acknowledged the power of my mind in all of this. It is doing its damnedest to derail my process and it looks like it will succeed.

Nothing seemed to work. Not the warnings, the awareness, nor the constant reminders to myself about why I had put myself in that environment. Not even the evidence and advice from my own journals was any help. That’s how powerful the mind is. And when combined with our personal patterns and script, it has the power to derail us completely.

In my case, a part of my script is that I have not been allowed to have my dreams. It doesn’t take much misinformation or persuasion for you to internalise the message that you cannot have what you want, and cannot be who you are. And if that belief goes unchecked for long enough it begins to take root, slipping easily into the background of our psyche, ensuring that we don’t even notice how we limit ourselves; nor that there is even any alternative to how we view life.

Fortunately, those messages can be brought to the surface, overturned and replaced with whatever messages we wish. It takes hard work and the right influences, but new patterns can be established. That’s what I was trying to do back then and Karaj did everything he could to help me. My problem was that I was too immature, too stubborn and too clever for my own good.

I was trying to become independent too soon and I allowed my intellect to take over. I knew a lot as a result of my time under his guidance, and I easily knew enough to challenge him. Such a situation is inevitable (except in sublime circumstances), and in my case the only conclusion was for me to leave. In the ten years that followed, I went through a range of emotions: years of anger and doubt, followed by gradual realisation, and finally, over the course of this blog, a greater appreciation of what I have been through and what Karaj did for me.

Now, life has come full circle, I am in regular contact with Karaj again and he remains as focused and committed as he always was. I am also working as hard on myself as I did back then, but these days I am more mature, more open and more humble. I have spent the last six years building up a momentum which has taken me to the brink of achieving my dream of writing books, working intensely on myself, and making a significant contribution to the field of personal development.

I have been here before, however, and was unable to continue. This time it might be different. Equally, it might not. After all, my script is kicking in just as it has before: I am experiencing problems with my leg again, my mind is telling me I’m on my own, and my heart is questioning what I’m doing. Fortunately, I am more experienced than I was 11 years ago. I have a better idea of what I’m up against and I’m relatively calm about weathering this particular storm. It will pass, and when the skies clear I will find myself, once again, with a clarity of mind, love in my heart, and a spring in my step. For however long it lasts.


Related posts: How Easily the Mind Goes to WorkQuietening The MindDependence & Independence | Internal Dialogues

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