Men’s group: procedures and following them. We touched on the yearly review, taking one highlight (BACP work) and looking at how it related to our agendas for the day. My issues were about owning what I do and not blocking my progress and that of others with my anxiety or laziness or arrogance or any of the other games I play. Karaj pointed out the Sicily head incident and how I fuck things up when I am doing well; just as I am doing now.
Split up into pairs in the evening to sort each other’s agendas. It was very effective work and I received help with a health form which meant I did a far more thorough job than I would have done alone. It also highlighted how others can help because they are free of the constraints of my agenda issues (and script), and vice versa.
Summary: started feeling tired and fucked off with everything. Gradually calmed down and woke up. With the support of Ishwar, Calvin and Shona I saw how I block my own progress and that of others by not owning my achievements, and creating anxiety. Talked to Ishwar about how we both fantasise about one day being and staying on top of our work. My focus should not be on the work but on the procedures. Follow procedures all the time. Do that and everything else will be okay. Karaj told me to remember Earl and Robert and what happened to them and I will be alright.