09.00 120 mins. Physio. It was a good workout and, rather than return to the house and rest, I remained active throughout the day. We spent the day putting up the tunnel panels down to the sunken garden prior to the men’s group. Shona came out of hospital today. She would later cause a drama in the middle of the men’s group by becoming ill again, but Karaj handled it with his usual straightness and with complete control of his emotions.
Men’s Group
Karaj told me to invite Shona’s mum, Jameela, round to the group and then asked us why he would do that. I started well by verbalising what thoughts I had – that Karaj could show her what goes on in the group. This was a comment from Child Ego State and highlighted for me how I always come from the position of ‘I’m wrong’ which automatically gives rise to a defensive and justifying attitude. In fact every answer that was given highlighted an issue for the individual and showed us all that we think we do not belong – in the group, in the house, in the world. This is certainly the case for me and it explains my subservience and withdrawal. The attitude that I need is that I do belong and I am right.
Issues for other people were:
George – I worry about what I am going to say (when there’s no need).
Dev – I won’t be able to live up to her expectations.
Ishwar – there must be a reason (behind Karaj’s invitation), then I get worried.
Robert – smarten up because it is going to be someone special – make a good impression
Calvin – anxiety about being able to relate to her
George has an issue that there are not enough (positive) strokes to go around, which is why he competes with his wife. When she is ill and receives positive strokes, he goes ill. When she treats herself, he treats himself. The script is an ‘I CAN’T HAVE’ one.
Karaj had asked me to ring Jameela and my issue became one of what to say. If I tell her the group has invited her that may seem too much. If I say I have invited her then she may not come – here I am discounting myself, telling myself I am not good enough and that I do not belong. Before she came round Karaj asked us all to think of what we will say to her. He prompted us, giving us commonalties with her. She was a teacher, just like George. Her husband was in the Army, like Dev’s father. Leon could talk about his shipping days in India, Earl about his sculptures, one of which was on display in the room.
She arrived and controlled the whole space with authority. She engaged particularly with Leon and Robert and then she led us in prayer, asking Robert to read Psalm 91. Sunil followed with a reading and translation of ‘The power lies in total surrender’, Robert then read a passage from the Gospel according to John; and Jameela finished with a prayer of her own giving thanks to all and asking God to watch over us, that we have the courage and understanding to follow the words of Jesus Christ.
All three readings spoke to me of faith and belonging. In addition Jameela’s presence showed me that she had made a contribution to us all. All too often I think that people cannot contribute to me but tonight I saw that everyone can contribute to my life if only I come down off my high horse and open myself to the opportunities. All of this sorted out my agenda item of where to live. It doesn’t matter where I am, I will belong. And there is no need to worry about where to live. Relax and have faith.
Shona’s fist question to her mother when Robert and Karaj escorted her back was. ‘Did they annoy you mummy?’ A typically childish response. Jameela’s reply was, ‘They were lovely men and it was a wonderful experience.’
There followed a discussion between Leon and Karaj, the outcome of which was that Leon need not worry about his devious colleague, because secretive people will, in time, always expose themselves without anybody’s help. Again, relax.
Karaj told me tonight that I cannot speak about my emotions any more because that perpetuates them. Move on.