Who I Am & Who I’m Not

I woke up feeling tired and cold, with a headache and a feeling of not wanting to be here. This always happens when I come back from friends. I had spent New Year with close friends, and made this entry in my journal:

We all enjoyed a delicious meal together. Being among friends, in comfortable and engaging company, was a lovely way to see in the new year. Ed told me that, in his life, he has everything he wants. It helped me to see that my comparisons are wholly invalid: I do not want what Ed has, nor what Eric has, but I am happy for them to have it.

For the whole of today I just got on with the work of finalising the latest client statements and preparing for tonight’s group, while Simran and Karaj got on with Newsletter 12. In the evening there was the men’s group, in which we we dealt with Calvin’s issue of his son’s rebellion. There was also feedback to me from George and Calvin that I am effective; from Leon that my body language has changed subtly, which confirms the shift in me; and from Shona that I am finding my own voice and have more authority. The year ahead is about being angry appropriately.

After the group, there was a further meeting to discuss the INSET day. George and Ishwar could not agree on any arrangements to meet to do the work. Eventually, Ishwar stormed out, slamming the front door. I talked to him in his car and then sent Simran, Dev and Calvin to see him while I talked to George. Then we sat down together beyond midnight to work through it.

I found myself in control of proceedings and, more than that, I was relaxed and able to be appropriate – just going with what felt right – quietening Simran, allowing Ishwar to talk, bringing George into it and asking for contributions from Dev and Calvin. I had a quiet authority and together we worked through their issue. Having started the day feeling low, I finished on a high, demonstrating to myself just what I am capable of achieving.

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