This day started with pre-appraisal questions. 35 of them. Below are a few examples. The effects were the same as on Monday: I felt anxiety about my answers, yet the process provided me with more tools with which to move forward in my life. For the rest of the day we worked outside erecting the gates for Shona and her neighbour.
Self Healing Group Pre-Appraisal – Assessment of what I will do
1. What have been your achievements for the week? Just the highlights, not the emotions.
4. What were your preparations for the SHG on Friday 5th April?
6. How did you assess your day yesterday, based on your preparations?
11. What is your preparation for today’s session no.4 (21.00-midnight)?
19. What are you going to contribute to other people on Sunday morning?
23. How are you going to be the node for session 2 today?
35. What are going to be your achievements for session 3 on Sunday?
Be aware of the contribution others make to me
This brought up my arrogance – that people cannot help me – and I was preoccupied with that arrogance until the late afternoon. I talked with Robert, who contributed much with his words both this afternoon about allowing my shadow back into the light and the transmutation of the ugly traits brought about by awareness; and this morning when he talked about having a lighthouse of behaviour (focus, planning, procedures) to which I can return when I fall back into my script.
George contributed his acceptance of my ability. When we worked together there was never any question in his mind that I am not capable, so why do I question my abilities. Why do I come from ‘I’m wrong’, or ‘It can’t be done’?!
Ishwar made a contribution to me when he verbalised his block during this morning’s exercise. It allowed me to side-step my conceited attitude and admit that I was struggling too. This facilitated a break which brought Robert’s contribution: his experience of what it means to be focused, grounded and to say no to his emotions.
Dev contributed to me with our talks about our verbalisation issues. We need to say whatever is on our mind and not worry about the consequences or about making mistakes. Say whatever, whenever. He also provided me with the opportunity to begin to challenge him more forthrightly. Something we need to be doing with each other more and more.
Karaj contributed by leading by example. He is direct and wastes no time in getting involved and trying things. He has an attitude which says it can be done.
Verbalise
This was the most successful of the criteria around which I had based my day. I talked to Dev about how we both need to verbalise no matter what our thoughts. We need to make mistakes if that is what it takes to get us to talk. Once again a chat with Dev encouraged me and I want him with me this time. He was there later in the day.
I talked with Robert about my arrogance and, as with this morning, I was left with the choice to become emotional or to accept what is happening. I verbalised my arrogance to the group which was as much an admission to myself as to the men. Karaj told me that I exist to serve people; that thought showed me the way towards humility more than it has before.
I verbalised my irritation to Karaj when he challenged me about wasting 15-pence bolts. Again, it was all I needed to do to release the irritation.
Eventually verbalised my block after Ishwar spoke up about his block, and saw the contribution that Robert made to me with his supportive comments. I suck Robert into my games going to him with issues, because he will father me. I should be going to Karaj with my questions but I know that he will admonish me. Truth is, I have the answers myself or I can at least try and work them out for myself. If I’m blocked, smash through the block. If I have no achievements set out then I will achieve nothing because I have given myself nothing to achieve. Anything I do achieve is because of what has come my way, not what I have created.
What have I contributed to others?
I was too much in my own head and anxieties to be positive and enthusiastic, but I did engage in the work and lent my support to all concerned. Brought Ishwar my hat when he was cold, challenged Dev about our shared issues, engaged with Robert and George maturely when necessary and more light-heartedly when appropriate.
NB: I would not be aware of half of the above conclusions had I not set them out in the morning.
I have always drifted through life with my eyes closed, not wanting to see what’s going on, blaming everyone and having my life and my emotional highs and lows dictated to me by whatever happens. Now I have a thorough structure which I can use to take control of my life. It’s time for the learning to stop – I know enough now – and for the procedures to begin.