This week has been a difficult one. After the challenge last weekend, I struggled to maintain a positive outlook. Every day my mind tempted me to fall back into familiar patterns of negative thinking and every day I managed to avoid doing so. The only way was to keep busy.
Monday – Eventually I got into the busy, focused mode I had yesterday. Sunil was here for a while and I appreciated his company. We talked about visions; there’s nothing I can do about mine except get on with the work I have in front of me, remaining focused on the present. Eventually things will shift. My script is always there. Keeping busy and focused on what I am doing is the only way forward. Everything else will come as a consequence of my discipline and procedures.
Tuesday – Another busy day. I am in possession of all the tools and knowledge I need to sort out my life yet I feel so blocked. [Karaj: That’s okay.] I seem to have a lack of motivation, on which I spend too much time focusing rather than just getting on with whatever is in front of me. I had a lovely evening with Aubrey and his wife but there was a sorrowful feeling inside me, which I noticed from time to time as I wondered about my life and the person I am. It is so easy to get down about it and that’s what I do; Karaj said at the weekend that my commitment is to remaining messed up and not to sorting myself out.
Wednesday – I was busy again today. It’s the only way; but the sadness is right there with me. I dipped again, during a conversation about my family history. I have never been interested in it and this fact upset me because that’s how I’ve been all my life: not interested. It’s almost as if I just want to get the thing over with. Cut this out.
Today – All day I have seen how I lack responsibility and accountability, spending my energy creating dramas and fuck-ups so that I can blame the world. Sort it out. Talked to Dev in the evening and it was only during the conversation with him, when I told him what I had been up to this week, that I realised how much I have achieved. Start to recognise and own my achievements. It really has been a busy week and that has been my salvation during a pretty low period in my life, brought on by having to face up to the person I am. Step One in becoming accountable.