Having realised two days ago that my to-do list is not going to get any shorter, Karaj summed it up today by saying that if I were to complete my list, ‘What would you do then?’ A large to-do list means I have many reasons to live and it also means I am alive. My only issue is not to personalise my work; just get on with it. Keep busy.
I confronted Ishwar after he wrote an appointment in my diary without informing me. I did it before the supervision session and with George in attendance, but I need to raise it in the group for it to be effective because he does not listen and tends to repeat what he thinks we want to hear from him without any conviction or internalisation of the issue. I also talked to him about him not seeing his ability. He cannot accept that he is heard and taken seriously – just like me – and it frustrates me to see this in him.
Summary: another day where I am beginning to see what I have already achieved and how much I can do now that I am settled in a job I enjoy. Furthermore, I see that when I work hard my anxiety levels are reduced – allowing me to relax and see my achievements. Working hard is making it easier for me not to take things personally. In the supervision session I was challenged. But for the first time, as I told myself not to take it personally, I began to see the benefits of the challenges: that I am here to make myself better. This thought presumes that I am good to start with. Therefore, I am beginning to see I am good.